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Friday, October 16, 2009

People still touch my heart....


I know this is not fair. What I am going to write now is not what I should be doing, and I am not helping anyone in any way. But something tells me I should go ahead and do it and that 'something' has power over me to get me into a lot of trouble.
I thought until very recently that I am walled up and nothing touches me. Emotionally I am very strong. Events and happenings around me or be it far off will never affect me strongly anymore.
I did not decide upon it just like that… it has its own history. First it was being a second girl child to a family who were looking forward to a boy-add to that a girl born with a club foot. Rural India is not a best of place for disabled girl kids. Growing up being a rebellion with religion, traditions etc and fighting for what I believed I wanted for myself. Succumbing to my Moms wishes and giving away my dream of working as research scientist in Astrophysics. Losing my dear young (32yrs) sister to Breast cancer, knowing that my lovely daughter has special needs and dealing with the scare of not being there for her, because I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer myself. Much more has happened and my post would be a long whine if I got to tell it out loud..
So, I live listening to people complaining about their problems and giving them comfort, or at times just being there for them. As a counselor I come across various problems people are going through and most of the time they sound as if they are the ones going through worst. At times I come across serious problems like a mother being worried about her intellectually challenged son who is 33 yrs old and she cannot take care of him anymore. Upon that she is poor and cannot even feed him enough. The place she is living has no facility for him where she can send him to. Then there are simple problems like -->' may be my bf does not like me because he has not called me in 3 days or what could be the reason that I have missed my period for a week this month' types.
I have been touched by people but not too deeply to be sucked into it. I have moved on and that is what led me to believe I am securely walled up against emotions….
Last week I was having fun with blogs and internet. Like usual I visited Alice to have some fun because I love her poems and scary blogs. They make me smile and feel so good…. I feel like a girl running about having fun while reading her blogs. But last week Alice had something else to share with her blog friends. Something about the letter to her husband hit me very hard. It not only brought tears but some kind of pain as though I am feeling a part of what she is going through. It was quite terrible to know that a 26 yr old young woman waves goodbye to her husband not knowing he is not going to come back and take care of her anymore. What a terrible blow it should be to hear those words? The thoughts haunt me and to think the person who has been through so much has made me smile everyday.
I have learned my lesson today from this young blogger. It is a well learned lesson. Thank you Alice for being what you are. You are so much fun and make a difference in my life. I am glad to have met you. I will pray for you to find peace everyday.
I realize painfully that as a human being I can never be walled up to the pains of others. I will feel them forever. Just because I have been through bad times will never make me justify other people having to suffer.. and today though I am pained I thank God for that feeling of pain because I feel again like I have a heart beating in me… not just a iced stone lying there quietly.

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