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Friday, February 26, 2010

Just a day in bringing up Farheena..


I was intently watching my daughter trying to pass the string through the colorful beads she had spread in front of her. She was trying to make a chain for her doll Baby Jay. It was heart wringing for me to see her struggle with her eye hand co-ordination where as we all could do it effortlessly. At this moment my mobile rang and I picked up the phone to hear my sister gushing about her son's achievement.. He had won some competition organized by Horlicks company. I could not concentrate well on what she was saying because one of the beads had fallen down and my daughter was searching for it.. .. there she found it.. Yeah back to what my sister was saying.. he was one the cutest kids and everyone praised him there. I congratulated her and told her to tell her son I am so proud of him. She asked me where my mind was because she could sense that I was not totally into the conversation. I told her my daughter was making a chain of beads and I was amazed at her talent .. that must have shocked a mom whose son had just won a big competition.

How many of us realize that we all have our limits and anyone who can do his/her best is a real champion. It is not just the result but also the effort counts. My daughter was putting all her heart into making a chain for her doll and it was according to me no less effort than a child winning a big competition.

I used to be a tennis buff and watch every match telecast before I got dedicated to my bringing up my kids. I was sports lover in my pre-motherhood era. Many write off Ivan Lendl as a player who never won Wimbledon but for me he was the greatest Wimbledon champion back then because no player had ever put in as much effort to win that title as he had done. His style and game was dead against him winning the tournament but he did the best anyone could ever do. People will never agree with me and I accept their non-acceptance of my view.

I was not visible to my daughter; neither did she hear our conversation.. She was totally engrossed in her work. I loved her dedication. Finally when she was reaching the end … my friend called up telling me her son won the local cricket match … and she was gushing as to how good sportsman he is, what bright future she could visualize for him blah blah blah .. Like my sister after sometime she realized I was not totally into the conversation. I told her I was watching another great sportsperson and excused myself from the call.. because my champion had finally finished her masterpiece and needed my help to tie the loose ends.

I am very sure those two proud moms did not understand what it meant to me to watch my daughter do something with total dedication… she may not be champion by the standard of the world but to me her every milestone means a lot.

Baby Jay was finally garlanded and honored and she clicked the moment to preserve it in her album …..


Farheena the Artist



Farheena the acrobat...


Monalisa of lesser Gods..........



Thursday, February 25, 2010

Not all women are fools ... some are single.

Another good one that came in fwd mail...



Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Charles had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Charles even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends..

'Oh, that......... Charles was too tired.'

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Wife is Life





Wife is a knife who cuts the strife
And makes amiable your burdened life
She is your mate when the passions arise
An attorney when you need advice
A loving mother when you need care
As a companion your sorrows she will share
A toiling slave when you need service
A friend to help in time of crisis
A cook serving you dishes so nice
‘MAN’ before you say wife is knife 

who cuts life; Think twice

By: Good wife Farida Rizwan.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Life is worth living........



Even if the sky is full of dark clouds
Every dark cloud has a silver lining
Every hot summer has a rain
Though life is full of pain
For that moments of rain and silver lining
Life is worth living……………………….

By Farida Rizwan

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Awards and tags...

Today I received an award from not so familiar friend who is a working mom with two babies (Peanut -- 4/07 and the Pumpkin Man -- 12/08), a stay at home husband. Thank you very much Tumbleweed.

I know I had three more awards to be distributed among friends and decided today I will sit down and do it though I know I have blogs to catch up with.
So here I am sharing the award of friendship which I received from mothersalways and Supriya’s tag time along with Alice’s Happy award.

If I have missed any award then just pinch me and I will promptly do it. My memory is not what it used to be Sigh!



Here comes the Sugar Doll and One lovely blog award from lapnoodles….I was very much touched by her kind words for me. I am so happy to have touched her life in a positive way.

This will hopefully cover up Supriya’s tag of disclosing ten honest things about me.

Now the horror of disclosing ten things about me which you have not guessed by now. Even if it looks simple please scream in shock…

1) I always fancied marrying a soldier who was very brave and feared nothing. Sigh!
2) The worst kind of hatred in my heart is towards paedophiles
3) If there are Swedish, Russian or Spanish subtitles I lose the good movie trying to read what I can never figure out anyway.
4) At present I do not have TV, Oven, running water, washing machine in my home.
5) I have studied at least 7 different religions
6) I can read and write in 4 languages though English is my most favorite
7) I have smoked one cigarette when I was 8 yrs old. After that it has been a firm no to any kind of smoking or alcoholic beverages.
8) I use gift of gab to prove my point in an argument which is not fair. Even if the opponent is right he/she can never prove it against me.
9) Even though I am not as peaceful as them I admire Buddha, Gandhi etc.
10) If I see a snake, if my hand in stuck in car door, if I have a bad fall I usually react very calmly to the situation. I just say- there is snake, or please open the car door, my hand is stuck in it. It is usually followed by silence from my audience and then all the hell breaks loose…
I bet you did not know any one of those weird things about me.

Now for Alice’s happy award .. I am so happy that finally I am sitting down and doing this.



Ten things that make me happy

1) Watching a peaceful sunset or sunrise… Especially on seashore
2) Old couple totally in love with each other
3) Hand some men like Tom Cruise, Pierce Brosnan, etc
4) Any kind or species of children ( other than the brats like I was in my childhood ;) ) including my two wonderful kids who are growing up fast.
5) When people are intently listening to me
6) When I feel eating ice-creams and chocolates will not cause weight gain.. (that feeling does not last though)
7) The day my husband comes back from gulf and the day he goes back to gulf.
8) People who have a great sense of humor like Einstein
9) Good books, blogs, internet surfing. In short something wonderful to read
10) Me. I usually make myself very happy.

Finally for BM’s friendship awards

St Augustine reflected that 'Friendship constitutes a country for those in exile, a fortune for the poor, a remedy for the sick, and a life for the dead. It provides pleasure for those who are well, strength for the weak, and a reward for the strong.'



Now I can again talk about myself .. this is all about me isn’t it?

5 things about me

1) I was born 1 minute to midnight on October 23rd
2) I am doing my graduation now
3) I am quite a good cook and have invented few good recipes
4) I love sewing and embroidering.
5) I learned to swim at the age of 42.

I have decided not to tag anyone on to this awards but anyone is free to pick them up and pass it on ... only condition is mention the bloggers who gave this award to me. I assure you these blogs are wonderful and you will be hooked to them quite soon.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

The cleaning Poem


Got this in my email few days ago and I decided to share it with you all...
As we are having a big power crisis in our area I am on and off the computer. At times I am commenting, reading on blogs when the power goes pooff on me. When I log back in I forget to recall the blogs I was visiting etc ... I am lost on internet with the present crisis.
So my wedding has to wait for sometime... preparations have started. Will send out invitations soon enough. LOL.
As for now... read on the poem.

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'


He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.


I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick....
I was just admiring my work.

I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site.
That I got SO way into it.
I was into it all night.

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess....
While I sit here on my hiney.


Thursday, February 18, 2010

Health Science and I Conquer Breast Cancer for 13 Years and Running



















Other than the little girl .. everyone in the above picture is a survivor.....

I am submitting my blog under the category of Health and Hygiene.

Kicking cancer butt and keeping it away for 13 years 

Twenty years ago a breast cancer diagnoses was a death sentence, but thanks to many who are dedicated to finding a cure, some patience, and decades of research, women have a chance to survive now. 

 Thirteen years ago Cancer invaded my body and demanded that I suffer chemo, go through hair loss and give away one of my breast. I had to do it for my survival and did it grudgingly. I hated it with all my heart and considered BC to be one of my worst enemies ever. It went to prove me right by taking away my sister and mom in years to come.

Today after 13 years I am sitting here and thinking of personally what did I lose and what did I gain from breast cancer or precisely gain in my life after BC. Loss of one breast. I had lost my hair too but it has come back. Self confidence has grown much more than what it used to be. I value my life more now because I had to fight for it.. and that too with a demon named cancer. I feel my life is something I have earned now. I have enjoyed watching my kids grow into their teens and loved every moment of it (other than few moments like Farheena going through her surgery etc). I would never have known how wonderful my kids are and how blessed I am to have them if I had not fought cancer furiously 13 years ago.

I turned into an extrovert after my cancer experience. It was just too much to keep in my chest and I felt my ribs breaking out. So had to pour out everything and found out how good it is to share our feelings. I have found amazing friends in the past 13 years. Also some wonderful people who made much difference to me. They changed me into much better person and also made me realize my own potential and resources. When I had slipped into a great depression, one of the counselor , who used to visit us during my sisters illness suggested I go to helping hand which is a free counseling center in Bangalore. Initially I was very hesitant but when I visited helping hand, I met people who changed me for good and also made me much better person with my kids and all kids in general. I cannot forget how helpful the people at Helping Hand have been for me and my kids. They are the ones who do not give you fish but teach you fishing.

There have been friends who have made me realize that it is not necessary to be rigid. Sometimes it helps to flow with the tide and enjoy life. I don't know where I would be today without the help from these people. Farheena being a special needs kid, me getting BC and losing my sister to BC all in a span of year made it very tough for me to handle it emotionally. Rizwan was being nasty and was not much of help. He came out with his worst self when I was going through worst period. May be he was not tough enough to handle the pressure cancer brings with it and also he was not willing to accept that he has a special needs child. He was living in complete denial. Strangers supported me emotionally where my close ones failed.

I hear all the horror tales of doctors and wonder where they are.. because all the doctors I have met so far have been very kind and helpful to me. Most of them are sort of like good friends. I have wonderful friends half way across the globe who I may never have met if not for cancer. I don't like having cancer but when I think what would I have missed in life if not for cancer then may be I don't hate it totally. I have found more friends recently again (Like Marin and Kathi from breastcancer.org) who have been through this ordeal like me and it amazes me to see how quickly we bond together, even though we have a grand canyon of difference between our cultures and lifestyles.

As a kid I had a dream of visiting Disney World. I am cartoon and comic book lover and wanted to be in their world sometime. Always wondered whether that would ever happen... Then there was Rayyan who always wanted to see NYC . I still cannot believe that we realized our dreams last year. The most shocking part was Rizwan willing to give consent to our visit to USA and also providing the tickets first to USA and then to Disney World. How things were set in right place is very amazing. We got to enjoy the fireworks on 4th of July from the best view possible in Philadelphia courtesy of another survival friend Judy. There were amazing people who accompanied us and made our Disney World trip totally enjoyable.

I know I bitch, groan and moan and also at times squeak and squeal LOL.at life but then realize how much I have and feel grateful to God. I feel angry at my friends when they misunderstand or under estimate me and my values but then I realize no matter what I still love them. Cancer makes it easy to forgive follies..I have known the joy of being in water and got introduced to swimming on my USA trip. Loved it a lot and miss it now..

Some may find this funny but I have found a great joy in knowing a wonder machine called computer. It was love at first touch for me. I am a woman of questions and computer with internet has most answers though not for those important questions which I have to find answer all by myself.

I have lived for thirteen years being NED and enjoyed my life with my children, family, friends and computer. Have loved playing games, tasted new food, dressed in a new ways and become totally non-religious person. I trust and believe in God a lot but realize I am not meant to belong to any religion. The battle has been won and has remained on my side until now and the life after cancer has been worth fighting for... so to anyone who is fighting cancer. Kick hard and fight with all your might and will power. Don't give in. I know I will not.....

Link to participate in the contest

I am tagging three more bloggers to participate in the contest..

Alice.. http://thewondersofalice.blogspot.com/

Simone .. http://chocolatecovereddaydreams.blogspot.com/

BM ...http://mothersalways.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Wow!!! I hit a century....







On April 20, 2009 I started to write the chapters of my life. I am glad to announce today that I have finally reached my 100th blog ...........oooooopppppssss blog post. Wow!

I came over to blogspot to read Jeff’s blog. One day I thought, 'why not share my writings on blogspot?' I cannot say I was totally new to blogging because I had been writing this and that on yahoo 360 earlier. It was very difficult for me initially to find someone to even visit my page… I did not know how to find good blogs and connect with people.. but as days went by I got a hang of blogging. Then plainolebob introduced me to few wonderful bloggers and since then blogging has been different…
My blog is mostly about my own experiences of past.. I was an introvert until cancer entered my life and opened all the doors and windows to the world. I could not continue to be an introvert anymore and once out of shell I loved it. So most of my writings which have never been seen by anyone else have started making its way to my blog.

I have loved sharing my diary like writing of Discovering myself series with my friends. It has taken a big effort on my part not to hide my bad traits and come out with the truth. I am quite sure that I would not do those things now because I have learned my lessons.. but I am not sure. I find myself to be a wickedly naughty and mischievous person even now.

I want to start another series of writing about my marriage and the cultural shock I had after being married. I will soon be sending out invitations to all of you to attend my wedding and join my journey there. Hope my DH will not mind it…. ;)

I thank you all my wonderful supporters on blogspot for making my blogging time wonderful and enjoyable. I would like to mention few bloggers who I admire a lot - Betty,
Alice, Dina, Jeff, Bob, BM, and Mike who have been here for quite some time.

Lately I have found some very good new friends like Rae, Supriya, chocolate covered daydreams, Matty who have quickly become a part of my blog. Now again I see some more people getting connected who are giving me wonderful feed back and I would mention Nipun, Hitesh, Nalini Hebbar, Wanderer, lisa, Gayle, Fierce etc and sure being a human being I know I have missed few and will regret later when I think of them….

So for today .. nothing much to say other than, I am so grateful to everyone of you for your opinions, frank discussions etc which encourages me to write more.
Thank you! ( She says with a broad smile and small bow )

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Avenging Julie and learning right from wrong..........



One day a verbal duel took place between my grandmother and me. It so happened that I was coming back from school and my sister was just behind me. Instead of running into us, Julie flew at us at the level of 2 feet above the ground and landed a little in front of me. I was shocked as to what must have happened and then saw my grandmother coming after her… and concluded she had kicked the poor kitty.
“How dare you kick a poor little cat like that Naani?”
“I did not kick it.. why should I get into the bad book of God for some silly little stray cat by kicking it? She came in my way and I stumbled on her”
“Stumbling on cats does not make them fly, kicking will”
“I said I did not kick her.. that is it”
For some reason my sister was not saying anything and that irritated me a lot. She usually avoided arguing with grandmother and our dad. I could not help it.
My aunt rushed out to see what was happening and asked me why I was crying.
All the while Julie was sitting aside licking herself calmly.
Somehow between sobs I blurted out “This cruel old woman kicked my cat and it came flying out”
“Is that the way to talk about your grandmother?”
“May be not but let us talk about that later. Why should someone kick poor Julie?”
My aunt was confused and irritated for some reason.. but she managed to ask my grandmother ‘why did she kick the poor kitty’.
“That devil of the cat is always running between my legs and trying to kill me, I actually stumbled on it. I swear on Allah!”
“That is it. She swears and we cannot say anything more”.
“Swearing will not take away Julie’s pain”.
“Fari!… will you please SHUT UP now? When someone swears on Allah it means what they are saying is true. If not Allah will punish them. We are not to dispute this because Allah knows all”.
I was in utter confusion here because I had seen Julie fly .. and there had to be a kick behind it as she had no wings.. but here aunty was arguing that swearing on Allah meant that there was no kick. My eyes were lying. My aunt loved me and usually stood by me in most of the situations. So this was very irritating and also was irritating was the fact of my sister’s silence. May be she was tensed about the math’s test the next day or may be she had not seen Julie.
I did not argue more but decided that I had something to prove. My mind started chugging away like train engine.. chuk chuk chuk chuk.. and then flashed an idea.
I slowly slipped into a room where few things were kept on the mirror. I broke a nail polish bottle, wiped the mess with my grandma’s blouse, sprinkled face powder in all four corners of the room, made mess on the wall with my pencil and sat to do my homework . I felt Julie had been avenged and she slipped quietly near my feet and went to sleep proving me right.
I almost forgot about my avenging event by working math when shrieks and squeals made me realize the war had begun.. there they were blowing horns and inviting my army (only little me on one side all of them on the other) to fight.
Someone shouted “Fari! Why did you do this mess here?”
“I did not do anything”
“You are a liar”
“May be yes, but so are many of you”
“We want to know why you did this.”
“I did not do it and I swear on Allah that I did not do it”.
There was utter silence and shock on everyone’s face. It was like the world had stopped and stood still. Then all the muttering of Taubah Taubah started and they started to plead with God to forgive this devil child because she did not know what she was doing.
“What?” I said finally because it looked me this thing is never going to end.
“You stupid girl! How dare you swear on Allah just like that and that too on a lie? Don’t you know how fierce is the fire in hell?”
“Now you are not trusting Allah because you are not believing when I am swearing on him. That will make you accompany me to hell”
“How can we trust you when we can see what you have done here? Nobody came here and no one is insane to do this”.
“So when you see something and you are sure, you can question the swearing on Allah but I cannot?”
It was at this time in argument that my dad walked in. My grandmother gave a dramatic explanation of everything and finally it was the matter of me swearing falsely in the name of Allah which was presented in fluorescent words.
“This girl needs to learn right from wrong and there is no more room for explanation. She needs to be punished”. Said my dad…
So when my mother fretted (she never wanted any of the child physically punished) all watched when a nylon wire was brought, twisted and used as a whip to lash my legs. Yeah! Only legs. Meanwhile I was asked to say sorry to God and promise to never insult him in such way. I did not. I was hurting very badly and my skin had given way one or two places making it bleed a bit. But no! I had decided not to give in and it was Dad who gave up after 6-7 lashes. My grandmother smirked and unfortunately I saw that. I could not forgive her easily for that. My aunt wept and tried to pacify me but she could not even make any eye contact with me. I was not going to look at anyone of them. I was wild, angry and felt I have been wronged. For many days to come I was quite most of the time and just gave angry stares at my family when they tried to talk to me. I did not ask for food and my mother had to remember to feed me something. I stopped allowing her to comb my hair, help me have bath etc. I created my own island in the house and started living on that island and meanwhile unknown to anyone, unheard by anyone.. secretly I had decided that God was my enemy like my grandmother.

[A note to new readers.. - My blog posts under the label autobiography is true incidents from my childhood which had made huge impact on my own personality. My blog posts are a part of my journey into my troubled past. By allowing the child (me in my younger days) who suffered because she did not have anyone to share her confusions with or to  tell whatever she wants to. I am allowing my younger self to go through catharsis so that my present will be free from the past. This particular incident changed the way I look at belief and faith in God forever... 

Throwing some light on the name Farila….

Happy Valentines day to those who celebrate..



Prevention is better than cure



Saturday, February 13, 2010

Darwins Theory .. A big lie.



I am re-posting one of my previous blog in honor of Darwin. I greatly respect his research and theories but there are doubts ......

This incident took place when I was 15 yrs of age. So far nothing has made me change my mind……..
Darwin’s Theory of Evolution Is a Great Lie.
Some may believe, some may not believe in Darwin’s theory of evolution, but I have decided very strongly that human race did not evolve from the very source that monkeys evolved. For sure these creatures are not our ancestors. There are many differences and one of them is so great that I have always failed to close the gap between us.
A certain day in my life forced me call the great Darwin a liar. It so happened one morning, a man going to his fields heard an infant crying non-stop. His curiosity awoke, he went in search of source of the sound and found an infant barely a day old thrown on the railway track. The helpless little soul was yet alive, thanks to the famous Indian railways which always sees to it that the trains don’t arrive on time so that anyone contemplating suicide on the tracks gets a chance to ponder over and change their mind. This policy had prevented the huge monster from mauling the small wailing baby, but the ants did not follow this policy and had been prompt and on time to nibble and devour the just born fresh skin. Helpless and unable to anything else, all that the discarded one could do was to wail at the top of his voice which even at the top was very frail. The morning wind was piercing cold and had been attacking the angel mercilessly, turning his snowy color to blue. The man forgot his fields, picked up the baby and brought him home. But, Alas!!!! It was already too late to save him. He was born just to suffer the torture of few hours. No one ever cuddled him, dressed him, fed him nor loved him. When our maid narrated this tragic tale like the headline of the day, which would be replaced by something on the next morning, I just turned away from her to hide my tears. Through my window I could see some monkeys happily prancing away. Then suddenly I saw something which shook my soul and conscience quite roughly. There on the top of the roofs among the monkeys going ahead in search of food and mischief was a monkey with a baby which was lifeless. The mother refused to accept the fact and continuously made efforts to make its little darling cling to its womb as it did before the cruel death had slurped all its strength. The monotonous failing did not deter her. She tried again and again, to feed her baby from her breast or some food she found. Struggling thus with her dead baby she kept moving ahead and disappeared in the vast world leaving me behind to ponder over the theory of Darwin. Do we humans who throw away our live infants, who kill, murder and torture the young kids belong to this clan who loved their dead babies so much???????
Darwin may have a lot of proofs for his theory but I refuse to accept any of them.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Life with Julie....


Julie survived and became active soon enough. My mother was wrong that she would not survive with out her mother. She turned up to be a wonderful pet at first for both of us and finally got to be all mine. No! I did not do anything drastic. It just happened naturally with natures call. After feeding her and after her body had observed all the nutrition it had to throw out rest of the waste.. which did not come out with good odor. My sister is very sensitive to stink and could not stand it even for the love of the cat. My mom was very strict that we had to clean up whatever mess Julie leaves behind. So the big question stood in front of us as to ‘who will clean up after the kitty?’ My sister puked when she tried but I could do it. So finally I told my sister she had failed in taking care of kitty because cleaning after the kitty poo is a part of care-taking. My sister was in a dilemma and knew she was losing her leadership position but she was helpless. We split our rights ( it was much easier than the Ambani split lol) on Julie into 80-20. I got to own 80% of Julie for cleaning the crap.


[A Note from grown up Farida here – It was very interesting habit of my sister of dividing and sharing everything. She was always so taken up by making it equal for everyone. Our bed which we shared had a line drawn in the centre and I was not supposed to cross it. If we were given two apples she would usually cut both of it into halves and we would share instead of having an apple each. That way she felt we could taste and see if both were equally crisp and good. It is hard to believe she was right. Many times the apples or anything thus divided had different taste. Finally when we both had breast cancer ..she in the left breast and me in the right I joked that it was continuation of what we always did … but that did not make her laugh.]


Initially I was worried that my studies would be affected negatively because of Julie but it actually affected me positively in every way.. other than my tiffs with grandma over the cat. Julie would curl up near my legs and give me company when I studied. I felt her company but no interruption at all. I could concentrate more clearly because she never allowed me to feel bored and made me relax.

My grandmother found Julie to be my weak spot and started taking advantage of this new found weakness in me. She always believed that we were at war and she had to win this at any cost. She tried to prove that she was to be obeyed no matter whether she was right or wrong.

At first she tried to tell Daddy that she is allergic to kitty hair but then my sister started wailing so loud the topic of chasing away Julie was dropped like a grenade whose pin has been pulled out. My sister even scared me to some extent … Phew!

But after our division over Julie, she was with me most of the time…and my grandma started picking on her.


It was Julie who broke everything broken around the house, it was Julie who ate every missing food in the house, it was Julie who dirtied everything in the house that was dirty… everyday Julie at least committed 8 grave sins and it was concluded by my grandma that she will accompany me to hell. I may have turned into a school dropout fearing Julie’s safety but my Mom fell in love with the kitty and so I could leave her in the cruel world of cruel grammas and go to school. My Mom fed her milk and other soft food initially and later on fed her fresh fish etc. When I was not around Julie would sit under my Moms stool in kitchen and be safe.


My dad never could like Julie and I think it was because of the negative reports he got as soon as he came home from work – worn out and tired.

The dear cat would curl up on our bed and she started staying there the whole night sleeping well cozily where as me and my sister lost sleep fearing we would hurt her. Gradually we got used to it and for once in my life I was not kicking everything and everyone around me in my sleep. Julie taught me to sleep still… [and I still sleep that way though Julie is no more with me].


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Miracles do happen


Miracles do happen

Sometimes I wonder whether miracles do take place in our everyday life or is it just our imagination wanting to please us. Miracle is a word used in regard to me very often. It is the word which made a lot of difference to me. I was born feet first when women would not go to hospitals to deliver kids and they say it is a miracle that I did not slurp off my mother’s life. Thank God for that. Then it is a miracle that I could walk with my disability and then the long wait by my parents for a miracle to cure me. They even shifted to Whitefield so that the miracle would be close at hand to them. They always told me have faith and it will happen. “In seconds you will see that the disability has just disappeared. Pray intently. God is kind to small children. Have faith. Or else you will be the loser”. I did not believe them. I don’t know what was wrong with me. I just thought that it can’t be like that. I am born with a disabled foot where it is twisted and suddenly it is going to be like a normal foot was not easily digested by me. I forced myself to have faith, pray intently but inside me the doubt always lingered. So I gave up. If they were telling the truth then there was no chance of me getting cured because I couldn’t have strong enough belief and faith. The doubt lingered in me. If they were lying then too the result would be same. So I gave up the effort.I grew up with my disability. But it did not control me. I had it under my control. I walked, ran, jumped and did everything I felt like doing and my disability just watched me helplessly unable to stop me. Then one day I found it was not there anymore. It had just disappeared like my parents told me. The miracle had taken place. And who worked the miracle? It was just a simple person, a friend, by name Hema. She was the lady who made a lot of difference to my life. I met her when I was going through a very rough time. I had so much of burden on me that I felt sure that God wouldn’t let me down because if he did, then the burden would fall on his shoulders and he would not want it LOL. I was almost on verge of blaming God for not being fair to me, but then she stopped me. The lady who had mobility in just one hand, yet so calm, smiling and that too in such a genuine way that it deeply entered my heart, asking me to be comfortable she just did it. She not only had me seated comfortably but made me feel so comfortable about life too. It would be a shame if I blamed God after meeting such a wonderful creation of his. It was her calm approach that impressed me. Not blaming anyone, she was so grateful to everyone for the wonderful way they had treated her. Where as I was complaining that my parents took me to a holy man and waited for the miracle she mentioned proudly how her parents had carried her to every temple in the hope of getting her cured. She saw the love in their behavior whereas I could only see their silliness. She had the wonderful sight to see only the better side of every situation where as I did not posses that sight. I saw her paintings, embroidery, handicrafts, and also got to taste the food prepared by her. Nothing stopped her from living her life to the full. Yet disability to move three of her limbs should be disadvantage for anybody no matter what they are made up of. I never missed any opportunity I got to meet her. We developed some strong bond between us. We exchanged our ideas and at times we argued a lot. But we never tried to change each other. She always was so calm and accepting and I was a rebel. We became very good friends and remained that way until my mother called me and announced that she was no more. But in the short time we shared together she just made sure that I was cured of my disability. Where everyone had failed she had succeeded. She worked the miracle for me. It had just gone away. I never felt that I belonged to the category of the disabled anymore and I realized this when I was coming back from her house on a crowded bus. A stout lady looking very tired got in. I was seated on a seat reserved for the disabled and when she looked at me with hope I just stood up and offered her the seat. Earlier I always thought I deserved to be seated no matter who was standing, because even I had difficulty in standing for long time. Standing there I realized I had been cured of the handicap. I really salute the wonderful person who in her short time taught so much that I am a changed person today. She was not just an ordinary person born just to go to school, get a degree, marry some guy and bear some kids, get old and die someday. She was born to prove to the world that 'where there is a will there is a way'. You can be grateful to god no matter how he has created you. You are special in a unique way. She was born to teach me the best lesson I ever learnt. Though she is no more with me her calmness lingers around me even today.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Some weird words and their funny meaning... LOL


I don't like the seriousness to dwell on my blog for long... So here now for some laughs...

Aberyswyth - A nostalgic yearning which is in itself more pleasant than the thing being yearned for

Greely - someone who continually annoys you by continually apologizing for annoying you

Happle - To annoy people by finishing their sentences for them and then telling them what they really meant to say

Hove - Descriptive of the expression seen on the face of one person in the presence of another who clearly isn't going to stop talking for a very long time

Ozark - One who offers to help just after all the work has been done.

Plymouth - To relate an amusing story to someone without remembering that it was they who told it to you in the first place...

Quenby - A stubborn spot on a window which you spend 20 minutes trying to clean off before discovering its on the other side of the glass

Sunday, February 7, 2010

For who can we choose death????


I was pondering on who can choose death question because I have been troubled with the question at times… Death is fact and I have come to accept it. No one can escape and no one can change it. It hurts to loose someone dear to us but we have to learn to live with this fact that it is inevitable. When death comes naturally we are helpless and can do nothing much .. nothing can stop it. It is the choice of death over life that has always confused me. At times people argue that certain person has no life and there is no use prolonging their suffering, therefore it should end. Sometimes it is the person who is danger to the society and there fore given death sentence. These are the situations which makes me wonder what if the miracle was on way. So many times we hear people going through miraculous changes and recoveries.

I have had my share of traumatic situations in my life where the question has stood before me. My sister going through cancer did not go for suicide, that was cowardly for her and she knew how much her family loved her. She would not hurt them. But she chose not to go for treatment. Nothing at all. I had to watch cancer slowly creep and establish itself and finally one day snuffing off her life. Our family has never been same again. My mom and dad were devastated and they were left with a bigger pain then cancer would ever give them. I was diagnosed with the same breast cancer a little later and it was when my sister was in last stages of her fight with cancer and I could see she was losing the battle. She was a wreck after knowing my diagnosis and worried for my children. It was ok for her to die but not for me because I had the responsibilities of children. I at times wonder if she had children would she make a better choice. Was the choice she made the right one? Do we have any right to stop people from dying if they want to? I assured my sister and my family that I am not going to give up. Just watch and learn I told them… I fought hard making safer decisions. Instead of going for just removal of tumor and preservation of breast, I decided to go for total radical mastectomy which was tough decision at 29. I am still here wondering about making choices. My sister was emotional wreck and did not live to see my recovery from cancer. I have always been troubled with the thought whether I should have done more… I know I tried various methods of convincing my sister. But it was just persistent words. Did I have power to stop her and did not? I know when my sister decides on something nothing could make her change her mind. Be it taking care of pet, helping someone in need, or taking someone to task. She gave it all… always. Everyday I live and see the world, I feel guilty that I watched my sister die of breast cancer which I have survived.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I had complications in the 3rd month and almost lost her. I had bleeding and it looked like a miscarriage. But she was determined to stay so she did with the help of doctors. My family and most of my friends were worried that the child would be born with disabilities and therefore it would be good if I go for abortion and try having child some other time. I was young and could always try to have more kids they argued I could not do it. I had seen the baby on the scanner and I had seen the life. For nothing in this world could I kill it. Doctors assured me that the baby is healthy and shows no sign of abnormality in growth or anything at all. What if they had diagnosed that she would be born with special needs? Would I have changed my decision to go ahead with pregnancy? I am damn sure no. I could not imagine snuffing a life out of a child who was supposed to be protected in my womb. I was supposed to give life and take care of this baby. I went through lot of pressure but had enough guts to repel it and go ahead and give birth to my daughter. She was beautiful and healthy. Doctors said “we said so” and I was happy. After two months when she was diagnosed with brain atrophy and developmental problems everyone else said “we said so”. I was accused of making her suffer when I had choice of stopping it. After initial shock, I had time to sit and think and once again felt I wanted her and my decision was right. I told the naysayers that they still have a chance of killing this wonderful baby. The baby was the same before and now. Only size had changed and if we really wanted to kill her we can do it now. But if we had killed her in my womb we could never give her back the life again. That shut them up and everyone knew that even giving my child a dirty look would be dangerous. All knew how fiercely I loved her. Yeah ! No matter what she is I love my child and I am willing to stand up and fight the battle with her. That was not a big sacrificial statement because no one could resist loving this beautiful baby. She will have life, may be different from us but she will have it.

As I have continued with life I have come up lots of questions regarding who should live and who should not… the question will never have an answer and will remain unsolved puzzle for ever. Every person who says I have made a wrong decision or right decision will leave a mark in my heart. Some hurts .. some comforts. I am absolutely sure I have made the right choice with my daughter. But when it comes to my sister I am still at loss… I miss her so much even to this day.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

The last post continued...


I am actually blogging my response to your comments because they have been so wonderful. I am so grateful to you all for letting me know your opinions. I will tell why your opinions are so important to me when I can actually sit down and put those random thoughts bombarding my mind in order and words. I have actually been close to the question and had to answer.

Thank you so much Matty for your wonderful opinion. I think you are absolutely right

Alice the choice of death is not always selfish. At times people make the choice because they do not want to burden others. It is such a complicated topic and there are many sides to it. You are right about the way people feel. It is the main part of our life. We live in our perceptions as to how we should be and fail to see beyond it.

Anita – our life rarely has answers. It is kind of question or more appropriately put, a puzzle. No one ever gets to solve it or do we actually have an answer but are not knowledgeable enough to see it?

Supriya - I so glad to see so much positiveness in young people like you

Chocolate covered day dreams and Dina -As many times it has been said that suicide is a cry for help we do not have ears to listen to people calling out. Actually the question is not only of suicide which is sometimes silly and sad. I am sure we would all unanimously say stop. It is when actually everyone joins to think a certain person can stop living… Like Lisa has mentioned where death is slow and painful. When life becomes cruel emotionally. Dina- It is now accepted fact that those responses you mentioned are something that actually pushes a person towards suicide and you are right.
Gayle thanks for being so positive.. it rubs off on me.

And finally adding a thank you note for BM who gave me such a wonderful insight with her comment.

Love you all for the support.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Who can choose death????


While it is not necessarily our lot in this is age that we should suffer physically to the end of our endurance, it is still our lot that we should so suffer emotionally. The denial of this fact of life is the central defect of the age Dr. Scott Peck

The discussion on euthanasia has heated up and I have observed that the people included in the discussion are those who are under terrible pain and disability. The question is whether they are entitled to choose the time and condition of their death
I have a question (or call it confusion). Should not the people who are suffering emotionally (which at times can be worse than the worst physical pain) be included in the debate? If the person who cannot go through the physical torture can opt to get rid of it by means of euthanasia then why can’t a person who is not capable of dealing with emotional pain opt for it? Why should a person live if it is but to suffer and suffer more and more pain????

I would like to have an opinion on this matter. This doesn’t mean that I feel that anybody who is suffering should be put to death or choose to die. I think exactly in opposite direction. Death is final and nothing can change it once it takes place. The decision cannot be changed when we think it over and feel we are wrong. Once we start thinking that certain person is good dead than the line will start shifting… so I respect life.

I want to know how people feel towards this issue
If a person walks up to you and says, “I am feeling totally dejected and depressed. I know how severe emotional pain can be and I am terrified of it. It has made me numb to all positive feelings and happiness. My life is meaningless, dull and full of crap. I have nothing with me, no love, no affection, no beauty, no money, no kids… nothing. I have nothing to live for. Why do I have to suffer like this? Can I end this all by giving up living?” How will you answer this person? I am glad that you had patience to go through this now I will be grateful if you leave your opinion here for me… Thank you in advance.

Inspired by Rae's cat pic....


Cat insight

Smart Cat A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn ! right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Monday, February 1, 2010

You are not Bound.....



Today I would like to share a amazing story on my blog.
Once upon a time, there lived a cowherd who took the cows to the meadows every morning and brought them back to the cow shed in the evening. Before he left for the night, he made sure that all the cowswere properly tied to their posts so that they would not wander away in the night.
One evening, he found that one of the cows was missing its rope.The boy was in a fix. He couldn't leave the cow untied as she would probably runaway and get lost. It was important to make sure the cow would be safe and secure through the night. It was already dark and too late to go and buy a new rope from town which was quite far away.
There lived a monk nearby. The cowherd approached him, thinking he may have some spare rope with which he could tie up the cow. When he narrated his dilemma to the monk, he just smiled and said to him, "Don't worry my child. Just go back to the cow, stand next to her and pretend that you are tying her. Make sure that the cow sees you doing it, and that will be enough. The cow will stay where she is.'' That sounded funny, but the wisdom which of the monk made the boy follow what he said.
"The boy went back to the cow shed and did as the monk had told him. He pretended that he was tying the cow to the post. When the boy returned the next morning, he found to his amazement that the cow had remained absolutely still throughout the night. The boy untied all the cows as usual and was about to go to the meadows,when he noticed that the cow with the missing rope was still lying down next to the post. He tried to coax her back to the herd, but she wouldn't budge. The boy thought the monk had cast some magic on his cow which had made her stay put there without moving.
The boy was perplexed, so he went back to the monk to ask him remove the magic and let his cow move.  The monk listened to the boy and smiled. ''Look, my child", he said, "the cow still thinksthat she is bound to the post. Yesterday when the rope was missing, you pretended that you were tying her. This morning you untied all the cows except this particular one. You thought it wasn't necessary as she wasn't actually tied up.But because of your little act last night,the cow still believes that she is tied to the post. So now you have to go back and pretend that you are setting her free. It is all in the mind of the cow and there is no magic in this.'' The boy returned to the cow and pretended to untie her. The cow immediately got up and ran off to join the herd.
Due to our ignorance, we believe that we are bound just like the cow, when, in fact, we are completely free. We are not bound. Most of our bondage are imaginary. We all know it so well.. We know we are free souls and always have been free.. but like the cow, we see the imaginary ties being tied and somewhere deep in our souls we feel we are bound to so many relationships, nations, caste, society etc. We can run and join the herd or can wait for some one to come over and untie the imaginary bond we have created in our lives.... The choice is always left to us. I know I have a choice.

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