Monday, May 9, 2011
What is it that we want? To be one of the crowd or unique? I have never been sure of this. At times people want to be special and look different but sometimes it becomes very irritating to be different. I have been different in many ways and though initially I have been very unhappy about it later I have accepted it. I consider God had some special lessons for me to learn. I am not sure why he chose me. The lessons I learn have been tough and worth learning though it is not an easy task.
I was born with a club foot. That made me different from other kids. I was conscious about this and was not very comfortable. Later on I learnt that a human being is not made up of just two feet. One feet being deformed is not so devastating. I was happy I could walk and did not mind the limp. Later on with some effort from my part and some help from God; training from our PT sir, the limp went away. I started being happy that I am able to walk without a limp even with my club foot. Hurrrahhhh!!!
Days passed by and God sent me another assignment. It was to lose my freedom. Not just a small part of my freedom but all of it. No one invaded and captured me but it was a cultural thing to get married. Tough lesson for a young woman who considered her freedom and privacy some thing very precious. He decided I should have no more privacy and no more freedom. I was tricked into that assignment with a lot of emotional blackmailing and threats. I went along with that. I had to stop being what I was. Act silly though I was not silly. Bend in prostrations for a prayer because some one calling himself my better half thought his life depended on me being like any other woman from his house and village. Wear clothes in a way which made me uncomfortable. Not to read, eat, walk in the way I liked but to follow some pattern. I have just been through it but I think I lost the moral which I was supposed to learn from it. (Sorry God. I had to let you down there.) I still do not understand the motive behind that class I had to attend because I am yet to finish that course. Looking out and searching for freedom and yearning for a life of my own. I am of the opinion that My life is supposed to be lived by me wholly and not partially. I can’t give away a part of it to someone just like that.
Later in my life I learnt another lesson. I had to lose one of my breasts to cancer and that made me feel conscious again of my physicality. With some whole hearted contribution from my husband (who lost his touch in acting the better half part) I started to feel like an incomplete woman. I regretted surrendering one of my breasts to BC. It took me quite sometime to realize that I was not a woman just because of the two breasts. I agree I looked pretty with two of them but then just looking pretty is not a big deal. There is so much more in me which gives me the feminine touch. It was the compassion, emotionality, love, motherhood etc which was engraved inside me that made me the woman I am. God made me learn the lesson and respect myself and feel like a complete woman all over again.
After these lessons of life............
NO MORE DO I FEEL I AM DIFFERENT FROM ANYONE BUT NOW I FEEL THAT OTHERS ARE DIFFERENT FROM ME
……………they lack the special vision to see the important qualities of a human being.
The biggest challenge in my life has been my daughter who was born with special needs. I never asked the usual “Why me?” for long because soon I had the answer. God had trust in me that I am good enough to love and bring up a special kid like my daughter. This has been one tough struggle for me. I cannot comprehend God’s reason behind teaching me this lesson but I know he is teaching and everyday I am learning what he wants me to learn. I must confess that I do not know my grades. The new lessons when they arrive make me feel I may have completed my previous assignment successfully.
Initially it was tough to accept that my baby will never be able to see, walk, talk, run and live like everyone else. The question that stood before me was “what is the aim of her survival? What is she going to do as a woman? Slowly and steadily God answered my questions. I am so much more accepting and loving person now just because of my daughter. She is successful in changing me into a better person with every passing day. She has made me reach out to people and look deep into every individual. She gave me courage, strength and fighting spirit. She was one of the reasons why I fought cancer desperately to win my life back. She gave me motivation for living.
I learnt acceptance of life…. In many ways.
One of the most important lesson was when I found out that with all the knowledge stacked in my brain and with all my abilities, when I die, I will be corpse. I have to die. There is no escape from death. We all have to be there. When life is sniffed out we are not even addressed by our names. We become bodies. No matter who we are and what we have. So I end up a corpse someday. From the day I was born and until I die I have some time to spend living in this world where I will achieve, learn few skills, take a bath, cook food, do some good, some bad and eventually death will catch up with me. I look at my daughter and then see that eventually she will end up a corpse. Like anyone else. She has days to live between her birth and death. In those days there are things she cannot do which many can. That includes the good and bad ones too. When I hear about murders, terrorist attacks, rapes, drug peddling and other evils I know my kid is not capable of something like that along with the disability of not being able to run, talk, cook, wash etc. Is that very bad equation? I am not sure. I see her getting up in the morning not worrying about anything which is to be done even in the evening that day. She is living the now most of the time. Never thinks about putting up appearances for the sake of others. No peer pressure. No money problems. She makes me realize that most of my worries are created by me. They are my creations because I think of tomorrow, day after it, even years after it at times. She can be happy because it is raining, it is warm, it is cold and just because it is some weather out there. I have watched her struggle to draw a square and the elation on succeeding at drawing it imperfectly. That makes me wonder why some people worry about that one percent less which would have been much better.
Lessons are pouring in everyday in hoards. It is changing me and I know I am learning. God has not completed the lesson now because I cannot see anything new on my desk at the moment. No new assignment It means I am still learning my lesson and I somehow feel this class is going to be very long one for me…...