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Sunday, February 26, 2012

You Have Got It All Wrong -

Thank you Blogadda

You have got it all wrong ....
 Statutory warning: Keep away if you hate narcissism 

Some discussions on my blog comment had me thinking and evaluating myself. Going through my illness and laying on the hospital I had nothing much to do, so I got my brain working.
“Why do you bother about what others say?” you may ask.  Hmmm… Yeah! I am one of those people who think about crap before flushing it off.  Anyway, I noticed an odd trend when people say they respect me or applaud me. It is all for the wrong reason. Most of them respect me and applaud me for surviving cancer, when they should be applauding my doctor for having done a great job on me. Did I have a choice and fight for someone else? Did I fight for a noble cause? Did I fight for world peace? No. I fought cancer and survived because I was greedy for life, I wanted to be with my kids. I couldn't leave them behind and die. There, I was totally selfish and greedy, but people respect and applaud me for being a survivor for 15 years now. 
 Not many may know that I feel a sense of guilt at times for having survived, when I have lost my dear ones to the monster. Like the question, ‘why me?’ I often do ask, ‘why not me?’ I did what anyone would do, maybe I did it in a bit of style by choosing the right response, at a young age of 29, with two small kids; but I did what anyone with cancer would do. Fight the monster to save my life and be with my loved ones. Why should somebody applaud me for that? You say the attitude and will power etc etc but that is not a big deal.
Coming to Farheena, she is my only daughter. I am loving person towards kids, so naturally I love her. I love to talk about her, tell people how special needs people are really special in many ways. She has touched my life in the most unique way, given me a special vision to look at the world. There is nothing special when I love her. She is lovable kid and most of the people who have been touched by her, love her. There is nothing you have to respect or applaud me for being a good Mom. There are only good moms in this world, if they are not good then they are not moms.

I don’t say you have to disrespect me people. That is not my horrible intention at all. I want you to stand up and applaud me as loud as possible for my real great achievements. Actually what follows in this blog could end up as height of self-admiration of a woman for herself, but Ahem! Here I start my real deserving list of achievements.
Though I am living in a village, where you cannot tell one woman from other, when they belong to my community, I have made a mark for myself. Yes, I do walk around here totally covered with my black robe, where you see only my eyes. I was commonly addressed as ‘Bibi’ when I visited offices, hospitals or any public place. The darkness is strong enough to overwhelm people and swallow them whole as a python.  I haven’t allowed the shadow of my cloak to overshadow me, I have found light and shone my colors through it. It may have swallowed many people like me, but I have escaped it clutches and I have discovered the real me. I am not a Bibi anymore for the people.  It is hard, it is dangerous and it takes a lot to hurt your own people, especially when you love them. It is tough to question what everyone around you believes in. I had the courage to do it. I am brave enough to stand up and say what I really am. Not until you are there will you know, how it feels to be an ugly duckling among the chickens.
I have never allowed anyone to treat my daughter differently or without respect. I have been strong and fought to get her the love and respect she deserves. No one dares to fool around or mess with her. Bringing out this kind of behavior from people who were not used to it is something I have achieved.

 From a small depleted house, sitting in my small room, where my tall brother cannot stretch himself, I reach out to the world. I have fallen down only to get up with more vehemence. When everything was fading away in my life, I picked up the leftovers and started to prepare a new dish to relish. I reached up and caught the rainbow of my dream – pursuing my education again at the age of 44.
It is not easy at my age to sit down like a school kid, prepare notes and study for the exams. What with children, house work and my health issues distracting me. But I did. I studied hard enough to score first class passing marks in my first two years of graduation, and, the jewel in the crown was my scoring 92% marks in Psychology. It is something when you do that with your chemo brain. My brain is not what it used to be in school days, where I could memorize pages within hours.
I have learned everything about internet and computers, surrounded by the walls of my room. All the help I got, was an instruction on how to switch on a computer. Today, I am kind of computer repair person. I can almost fix my computer all by myself.
My blog is something I feel proud about again. It is not easy to share your problems, miseries with the world. Some say, pouring my heart out on the blog can take away my pain. Only those who haven’t lost a breast, been worried about the future of their child, lost dear ones to cancer or suffered as me can say that. Easing pain is not that easy. Even if I write thousand of blogs and millions will read it, the problems and pain will stay. When I was supposed to be quite and walk in shadows, I dared to go ahead and share a part of me with the whole world. I received a lot of flak for posting my personal details, pictures and other information on my blog, but I decided to live my life my own way. It is not tough when you are independent financially and healthy person. For me, being a rebel meant a great risk. I don’t have a job that could support me, neither am I highly educated, I fear recurrence which looms on my head all the time and I am responsible for my daughter. These restrictions were pulling me strongly towards the gutter where I could lie, rot and be lost without trace after a few years. I have decided to jump in and check the depth of the well. This is something I would pat my back for if I could just reach it….
Win= Sin? Wrong again. When I win, be it a blogging or any other competition, you need to realize it could be a small victory for me, but a great victory for those women who are lost in the shadows. When, a housewife, uneducated woman competes with great writers, geeks and wins blogging contest, you should stand up and applaud and show some respect, but I find people reacting differently to this so often. My problems, my disabilities do hold me back; distract me when I sit down to write a blog. Yet I do not allow my mind to wander in gloom and doom. I get it to work. 
This is what belongs to ‘me’; this is what I have achieved. Not my survival of cancer. That is where I have been lucky. I share and brag about my cancer survival so that others would realize cancer doesn't mean death. It doesn't control your life. I wish to spread hope of the survival.  I wish someone would really appreciate me for the right reason sometime.
                                                                
                      


26 comments:

  1. wow... what are you made of .. Iron :D reminds me of my Mom who completed her graduation when she was carrying me :D I guess sometimes the situation brings the best in you ... but yeah it may be otherwise also, but then it all depends on how strong willed you are. In your case, you have shown amazing courage through out. I have known you only through your blog but when I think of inspiring women I think of you too :)

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  2. I dont care what you have fight against, as long as you are YOU, and true to your self.... Big hug.

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  3. I hold you in high regard not because you have survived cancer. It is your courage in the face of the fortitude that makes me look up at you. Today though, you have more than doubled my respect for you. Few have the courage to move upstream in a raging river. That, not only you upheld what you felt was right, but carved milestones for yourself out of the ordeal, speaks volumes of your grit and determination.
    You have used powerful words to describe what you were up against, "restrictions were pulling me strongly towards the gutter where I could lie, rot and be lost without trace after a few years." That is what would happen to the weak, indeed!

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  4. Wat I really like is your determination and positive attitude....best wishes from me:)

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  5. well knowing about you gives me strength in someway..
    what i can say is that "enjoy the moment". it's your and yours only..

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  6. I have only known you for such a short time, but it is clear that you are a really strong woman who puts great value on why she believes, and for that, YOU are my hero!
    I am humbled to say that I take great strength from you and what you have endured during your life.

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  7. I am so glad to have come across you.. You are inspirational for me in more ways than one. What can I say.. A BIG applause to you! And a BIGGER Thank You for being around and guiding us through your stories.For me personally, they form the strength to believe in my own self, to stand and not get bogged down when the tide is against you and fight for the right till the last breath! Hats off!

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  8. worst situation will bring the best in us
    AN IRONY post !
    keep rocking.

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  9. Farida, loved reading this ! And then decided to write this. :-) Just tolerate the initial two paras....

    Our genes/chromosomes replicate during cell division , which is what growth is all about. Many times , in the process, the ends of the chromosome/gene strings or DNA sequences, get corrupted or fused with neighboring strings, and this changes the nature of our chromosomes in unpredictable ways, causing various health problems, Big C etc.

    But nature has gifted us with telomeres which are buffer spaces at the end of the chromosome/gene string, which face this, without allowing a mess up of the actual DNA/chromosome string.

    Farida, You are really, your own telomere!


    Some chromosome and DNA strings,
    like misguided kids
    who idolize goons,
    try to replicate badly,
    messing up the surroundings
    in dangerous ways....

    But not
    if you are your own telomere,
    straightening out
    the genes to behave,
    sometimes
    by
    a chemo storm,
    and sometimes
    through the
    lightening of radiation;
    but almost always
    and mostly
    by exercising
    those genes that
    sing out
    loud and clear,
    "I can, I must, and I will"....

    Yes,
    every storm
    tangles with dark clouds,
    and every gale
    bends some tough backs,
    but only
    a few,
    straighten up again,
    brush off the sand,
    squeeze away
    the depressing drops,
    and look upon the jungle
    of
    collapsed tree branches,
    as something
    that
    helps you climb up,
    smile at the Sun
    in a new dawn,
    and sing
    at the Top of your voice,
    "My this telomeri, telomeri di !"

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  10. After reading the post and the comments, I realized there was little for me to say. I thought of just writing wow. My respects to you for who you are and not just what you have done with your life.

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  11. Thanks to Suranga's post that I came to know you Farida. I have seen you in comment sections of other blogs and somehow never clicked on the link to come to this wonderful blog. I guess this was the right time, right post when I was destined to be introduced to you.

    The way you said that people applaud you for the wrong reasons and the reasons why you are applaudable are really different...touched a chord somewhere.Would like to read all your posts some day.

    Keep rocking girl !!!

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  12. Farida...this is such a lovely and heart touching post by you.....I had tears in my eyes while reading this......You are really an inspirations for people like us....hats off to you...

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  13. right let me tell you point blank first to fight for bigger higher noble causes one needs to be in a healthy mind, so when you fought the illness and defeated it you did do GOOD..

    bragging and all that I say WHY NOT.. you know sometimes what a survivor can write can become a inspiration for one who is losing faith , if they can why cant i .. SO one shud write what they have gone through HOW they managed to get through , as that one thing might be the link for others who are losing a battle .. to WIN IT..

    You have indeed done so good I mean much much more that what I could have possible done or think of doing.. I am really in awe now as how you managed all that os bravo and kudos to you in all the achievement.

    A achievement is a ACHIEVEMENT no matter what it is big or small, and its good you write about it as someone somwehere who is losing might just get inspired by it ..

    Take care and All the best always for everything you are planning ot do
    Bikram's

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  14. I am sure people applaud you for the right reasons....your courage,your optimism and your desire to be the change that you wish to see. Your kids must be so proud of you. I lost my father to neurogenic sarcoma and I know it is not easy to talk about it. You are an inspiration. Keep writing, keep learning and keep smiling.

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  15. :-) Hmmm. I am glad I believe in you for all the "right" reasons! Lovely passionate post, Farida. Why not write a book? :-)

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  16. bowing to your strength of mind ma'm . . its a wonderful deed to be doing penning down your victory over misery to inspire people suffering from drudgery and sickness. . kudos :)

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  17. *respect*
    we love you for who you are :)

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  18. "I haven’t allowed the shadow of my cloak to overshadow me"

    You wrote this line and in reply I would say, we respect you as you haven't allowed the shadows under which people hide to make excuses for not doing anything to overshadow you.

    Many people write about their personal life but if you write about drinking wine and having caviar, it's all right. If ever you write some personal suffering people will trash you. If it's a personal blog (as the name of your blog suggests) you will write what has happened or what happens in your life. Reading you is a personal choice.

    Honestly, respect you for your humility. :)

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  19. I am lost for words after reading the comments. One of the reason why I haven't replied to anyone so far. I feel so embarrassed for bragging about myself .. LOL. Thanks for the support everyone.

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  20. Farida, well poured out words. Self confidance is real treasure

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  21. Ma'm you simply rock.

    never seen any lady with a iron heart.

    you are an inspiration for all !!!

    god bless you !

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  22. Excellent post. I really appreciate your depth of thinking. I have been thinking on similar lines lately. Nobody appreciates real success in the world. People only like to pity you if you are below them. They hate you if you rise above them. Lately I have had personal experience in this regard.

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  23. Respect!!!! Nothing more that I can say could add any flavour........

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  24. Link exchange is nothing else except it is just placing the other person's blog link on your page at proper place and other person will also do same for you.

    Also visit my blog post :: weight loss center

    ReplyDelete

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