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Friday, November 20, 2009

Confusions, insecurity, doubts etc....


“So you finally got what you went looking for. You must be happy now”

“I should be, but I am not happy. At school the teachers encourage me and also in the P.T. sessions my Physical trainer is very encouraging and kind to me. He involves me in every sport. No one dares to tease me when he is around. He forgives me when I don’t wear black shoes. So I am very happy in my school. My teachers are very good to me. But back home every one appreciates me. But I am not sure the appreciation is for me. It could well be for my achievement. And that makes me feel insecure. What if I can’t perform well? Then, will I be mistreated by them?”

“Don’t you feel that the teachers too love you because you are good in studies? Everybody has something special about them and being intelligent is that specialty in you. Do you think they would hate your sister if she would become ugly some day?”

“I think my teachers love me because I am good at studies and also never miss to do homework even for once. I keep my books very neat and clean and also I write very neatly in them. They appreciate my work openly which makes me so happy and proud. But then they are supposed to love me just for that. But my parents are supposed to love me because I am their own child. They have to love me for what even others would hate me for. But they have failed in their job. But that is OK. Though I earned their love, I have it for now. That makes me happy. I have been very busy with my books and reading a lot of stories. I don’t like fairy tales though. They are so out of the world. I read them because they are mentioned very often and I don’t want to be ignorant of them. I read news paper and narrate the incidents to my family. I don’t know why but all of a sudden I seem to have lost interest in talking to people. No one shows interest in listening to me. I do write out my experiences but then I just throw them away because I don’t want to be a laughing stock.”

5 comments:

  1. I grew up trying to please..I think the old habit is still there somewhere, but I have shaken it off mostly. Either you like me for myself or don't. I can live with it. It's a part of learning to be me.
    BM

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  2. Hi Faridaji, Chapters of your life are very interesting and they are well narrated in your posts. Handsome Rayyan and sweety Farha are wonderful pages of your chapter. Enjoyed walking through your blog posts.

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  3. well the blood relations....i love them....there is that compulsion to it...i mean people like my parents and my brother...or my cousins....these are the people i can rely on in any situation and the thing is that they have to help me out.....

    this comes from the line when you said..they are my parents they have to love me......yea...and same for us..when we have our kid.....it's good....that you were good at studies.....i wasn't but i don't think they hated......

    i don't know if i'm taking it in the intended way....... i do get confused a lot and this is also one of those lucky nites..... :)

    other then that.....one thing i was thinking.....do you thinking the things you are saying here ...are the things...you thought in back those days .....or are you remembering the memories and then thinking wat could be the reason???

    aaahhh...the question doesn't matter .......it's just that as a kid .....it so simple....nothing to think about or worry about....i never thought this much as a kid....again i never thought....may be i was the dumbest one..or the most carefree kid around me......

    it's always good...reading you.....whenever you write about that small little tiny girl.....i start seeing her....and also she intrigues me to look back at my childhood...which i seriously don't remember much.....

    \,,/

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