Friday, August 16, 2019

100 Rays Of Son -96

Knight In Shining Armour? Nah!

 Like every regular family, unlike those few fairy tale ones, we all have our share of fights. My mom and dad, my siblings and off course my husband and I, all at times argue with each other. So far, not once has Rayyan said a word against or in support of anyone, no matter how one-sided the matter is. Many a times, I am expecting him to barge in between the two people, but he doesn’t.
As for me, when I am very angry and have thrown a deadly threat, I wish Rayyan would interfere and pull me out, so that the other person will think that if not for that guy I would have been killed today, so it is better to beware of this woman, but Rayyan never helps me out. Finally, the deadly threat ends up being just a threat and I have to come away saying, ‘I am giving you this just one more chance’; which is not as deadly anymore.
Recently, when I had a spat with my husband, Rayyan was like a person who couldn’t see or hear anything but could very much enjoy a video game. Somehow, after my threat and warning, I got intrigued by Rayyan’s behaviour and decided to talk to him. I very clearly remember that my parents wouldn’t have a single argument without us children taking one side and lending our support to one of them. Many times we would end fighting which parent is right so hard that they had to stop their fight to stop us from hitting each other. Here, this person has never felt that need at all…. How is that possible, especially when the mom is someone like me who is never on wrong side? He could support me, right? Why my son doesn’t do it? Why not support his dad at least? After nearly 25 years of watching this person just be invisible during all the chaos around him, other than those involving Farheena, I decided to find the answer.
“Rayyan, don’t you think someone could be in danger if two people are fighting? Don’t you think you should at least check it out to see that everyone is safe? No one is using physical violence to repress the other? How can you be so neutral throughout your life? How are you so impassive?” I asked. Initially when I asked those questions to Rayyan, I was expecting him to change and say sorry, but nowadays I know I will end up learning something new. “Maa, when two adults who can resolve issue peacefully or move away from each other end up arguing, fighting and hurting each other, what is left for a person like me to do? It is their choice and the consequences are theirs to deal with. Especially with a husband and wife, no one can do anything unless they themselves want to find a resolution for the conflict, because even if I interfere now, they will end up fighting again and again and whatever has to happen will happen in the end. In fact, the presence of someone else may escalate the issue, especially when one of them will feel ganged up on”.
I was right. Rayyan has some different viewpoint and insight into situations and life that I don’t have any idea about. But, as I talk to him I see truth in what he is saying. Just today, this same person was highly excited when I came back from Giggle Garden and exclaimed, “Maa come and see what I found today!” I rushed in to see him pull out one by one tiny cars, six in all. But when he wants to be philosopher, he can be one.
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I was born with a clubfoot, which made me realize in the initial stages of life itself that I have to strongly stand up for myself to stop people from dominating me or looking down upon me. Naturally, this self-defensive attitude changed into a rebellion nature against all kind of oppression, especially of those against women and children. I wanted to learn something about this from Rayyan as well. So I take up the issue of domestic violence with him and question him further, “Do you understand that in some situations some people are very cruel and dominant? Some women have no way out from the violence they suffer. Isn’t it our duty to step in and help them? How will they get the courage to escape the violence when they are scared to their bones?” I see that I am already agitated in defence of all those who suffer. Rayyan is very sure about his feelings and never even spends a minute pondering over my questions ever, “Maa, there is always a reason for someone to stay in the violent relationship,- being dependent, some belief that it is ok, not having courage to face the change or just finding solace that they are one of those sufferers who will gain something good in end. The answer is the solution to the problem itself and not what is taking place on that particular day at that particular time when we are present. Not just the person who is violent but also the sufferer and victim contributes to what is happening. It doesn’t end with someone else interfering and saving the victim. That will create the image of knight in shining armour to save the person, and they learn to wait for someone to save them. The only way out for such violence to end is, becoming strong to defend oneself. Real life is made of ordinary people with no saviours or hero”. As he talks, it looks like he is someone else, absolutely not the silly guy sleeping on batman bed-sheet. It is easy to listen and remember his words, but it is not easy for me to accept them immediately, or some of them though I appreciate, I cannot follow. I may not have his patience or tolerance for certain things. I try to probe further into this weird psyche, “So, you mean to say that if a lady in neighbourhood is being beaten by her husband, we should keep quiet and not interfere and save her?” I ask, and he says, “Maa how will you know what is happening there and what is the cause of it? Imagine a man from neighbourhood interferes and stops the man from hitting his wife, isn’t there the chance that it will become the cause of next fight? Even if that doesn’t happen, what when he hits her again? He goes in a saves her again? Can this continue? What if he brings her back home? She is safe only if he is a good guy, but if he feels he wants to hit her, then again someone has to save her, right? That is not the solution maa. At most they can call the helpline or see if the victim is actually asking for immediate help if that is one such stray incident where someone has gone crazy. If it repeats, then there is no solution for it. You can go and be a hero, if you want to, but the problem will continue”.
When I look back, I realize with lot of examples that I have witnessed in my life that the problem has ended only when the victim of domestic violence has sought solution and not with others trying to solve the issue. May be there are exceptions here like in any case, but not regularly.
We discussed this few times and slowly I realized that Rayyan believes in empowering people and not saving them. Somehow I realize that I am strong today because I stood up for myself and not because someone lent me support. Today, I feel I am a proud woman because Rayyan believed in me to defend myself and never rushed in to save me from anyone. I am sure he will laugh out loud reading this, because he takes great pride in my fighting spirit and feels I will never need to be saved but at most others may have to be saved by me.
Though, I may not to be respond like Rayyan, I have gained a new insight regarding this age old issue from this young man. Share your wisdom and enjoy your toys Rayyan.

Here is the link to the blog I had written 6 years ago…/break-silence-ring-war…

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