Sunday, February 7, 2010

For who can we choose death????

I was pondering on who can choose death question because I have been troubled with the question at times… Death is fact and I have come to accept it. No one can escape and no one can change it. It hurts to loose someone dear to us but we have to learn to live with this fact that it is inevitable. When death comes naturally we are helpless and can do nothing much .. nothing can stop it. It is the choice of death over life that has always confused me. At times people argue that certain person has no life and there is no use prolonging their suffering, therefore it should end. Sometimes it is the person who is danger to the society and there fore given death sentence. These are the situations which makes me wonder what if the miracle was on way. So many times we hear people going through miraculous changes and recoveries.

I have had my share of traumatic situations in my life where the question has stood before me. My sister going through cancer did not go for suicide, that was cowardly for her and she knew how much her family loved her. She would not hurt them. But she chose not to go for treatment. Nothing at all. I had to watch cancer slowly creep and establish itself and finally one day snuffing off her life. Our family has never been same again. My mom and dad were devastated and they were left with a bigger pain then cancer would ever give them. I was diagnosed with the same breast cancer a little later and it was when my sister was in last stages of her fight with cancer and I could see she was losing the battle. She was a wreck after knowing my diagnosis and worried for my children. It was ok for her to die but not for me because I had the responsibilities of children. I at times wonder if she had children would she make a better choice. Was the choice she made the right one? Do we have any right to stop people from dying if they want to? I assured my sister and my family that I am not going to give up. Just watch and learn I told them… I fought hard making safer decisions. Instead of going for just removal of tumor and preservation of breast, I decided to go for total radical mastectomy which was tough decision at 29. I am still here wondering about making choices. My sister was emotional wreck and did not live to see my recovery from cancer. I have always been troubled with the thought whether I should have done more… I know I tried various methods of convincing my sister. But it was just persistent words. Did I have power to stop her and did not? I know when my sister decides on something nothing could make her change her mind. Be it taking care of pet, helping someone in need, or taking someone to task. She gave it all… always. Everyday I live and see the world, I feel guilty that I watched my sister die of breast cancer which I have survived.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I had complications in the 3rd month and almost lost her. I had bleeding and it looked like a miscarriage. But she was determined to stay so she did with the help of doctors. My family and most of my friends were worried that the child would be born with disabilities and therefore it would be good if I go for abortion and try having child some other time. I was young and could always try to have more kids they argued I could not do it. I had seen the baby on the scanner and I had seen the life. For nothing in this world could I kill it. Doctors assured me that the baby is healthy and shows no sign of abnormality in growth or anything at all. What if they had diagnosed that she would be born with special needs? Would I have changed my decision to go ahead with pregnancy? I am damn sure no. I could not imagine snuffing a life out of a child who was supposed to be protected in my womb. I was supposed to give life and take care of this baby. I went through lot of pressure but had enough guts to repel it and go ahead and give birth to my daughter. She was beautiful and healthy. Doctors said “we said so” and I was happy. After two months when she was diagnosed with brain atrophy and developmental problems everyone else said “we said so”. I was accused of making her suffer when I had choice of stopping it. After initial shock, I had time to sit and think and once again felt I wanted her and my decision was right. I told the naysayers that they still have a chance of killing this wonderful baby. The baby was the same before and now. Only size had changed and if we really wanted to kill her we can do it now. But if we had killed her in my womb we could never give her back the life again. That shut them up and everyone knew that even giving my child a dirty look would be dangerous. All knew how fiercely I loved her. Yeah ! No matter what she is I love my child and I am willing to stand up and fight the battle with her. That was not a big sacrificial statement because no one could resist loving this beautiful baby. She will have life, may be different from us but she will have it.

As I have continued with life I have come up lots of questions regarding who should live and who should not… the question will never have an answer and will remain unsolved puzzle for ever. Every person who says I have made a wrong decision or right decision will leave a mark in my heart. Some hurts .. some comforts. I am absolutely sure I have made the right choice with my daughter. But when it comes to my sister I am still at loss… I miss her so much even to this day.


Rayyan Lost in Laptop

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