Friday, January 13, 2012

Relationships... Sometimes I Tackle Them Head On

 Marriages are made in heaven and so are thunder and lightning… Some wise person came up with quote which is so true. When two different individuals try to become one, there are bound to be sparks (of all kind and types), leading to some fiery situations; not only between the individuals involved, but also between the people connected to them.

Being a very spicy person myself who runs away from problem only to fall into their lap, my life has been strewn with so many of such fiery relationship dramas. What best time can beat the one when we have the KFC fiery contest running on indiblogger for me to share these fiery dramatic events with you? So here I go.

I grew up in a close knit family. My parents lived away from our native place, with four of us kids, which created a special bond between the six members. My sister was main glue who held us together more tightly. When my sister and I got married, the priorities in our lives were supposed to change and we were expected to treat our better halves (if you insist on calling them so) as ‘holy thou’. My sister was point blank in shooting her condition that whoever married her should keep her with my Mom. I was never given a chance for putting down any conditions, as my own marriage was a big drama.
The Marriage Drama
Being a fiery girl from my childhood, though a bit mild and cool as an adolescent, I don’t know what made people to expect me become the ideal bollywood biwi kind of person all of sudden. Marriage is not like childbirth which can change you over night. It was supposed to be a slow process but my better half wouldn’t wait. He was very anxious to prove that husband was important for a woman of all the relationships she has in her life. Unfortunately, he chose the wrong timing for this.
My dad had been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s cancer when I was in my Hubby’s home. I was devastated and wanted to leave for Bangalore immediately. My mother in law was against me going away on short notice, so she somehow convinced my husband that I was needed here in Byndoor due to some functions and ceremonies which involved my sister in law and her pregnancy. A very obedient son, my better half told me to wait for few more days before leaving for Bangalore, and, immediately lost his always in doubt status of better half. How could he not understand my turmoil of hearing the news my dad being sick and me away from him? 
Aghast and disgusted, not hiding my emotion I asked him, “WHY?”
Instead of some worthy dialogue he came up with a lame and limping explanation, “Because, I, your husband says so”.
“For God’s sake, this is no time for crap. My dad is sick”
“Once you are married your priorities change. According to our religion a wife cannot even attend her father’s funeral if her husband forbids her. God has permitted people to bow only to him, if ever he would have allowed anyone else to be worthy of such reverence then it would be the husband. So you have to understand that now you have to listen to me. I did not say that you shouldn’t go, I only said you go after few days”.
This was a sticky situation in the early stages of my marriage. It was not good to walk out of marriage as there were too many things to consider, like my new born son, my dad who was sick and the love we shared. I was also sure that this would not end the way he wanted it whatever the outcome be.
No one had ever asked me whether I was devoted to any religion and accepted all the rules set by it. Somehow, it was assumed to be so. Now there was no way I was going to listen to him and stay back for a few days. Instead of being rash and rude, for once I became a witty diplomat. I asked him to sit down and listen to me carefully and understand exactly what I was saying because one more wrong response from him was going to create a scene which he wouldn’t like and which would prove that husband is not so superior after all. After getting him seated, I sent out my message in a cool and calm voice, “You say husband is very important person in my life. You are my husband today and you are the most important person of life. But you know what? If I divorce you, and marry someone else, then that person is going to be the most revered person in a matter of months. Many women have gone on to have 8 or more such important beings in their lives. This does not happen to parents. I cannot cease to be their daughter or they cease to be my parents for any reason. God has a say in this relationship. Our bond (of husband and wife) is created by us and it left to us to decide what we do with it. The love and respect I have for my parents will never go away just because I created some more relationships in my life.
In our relationship, let us not argue who is important and who should rule. Let us think what is important at the moment; whether a daughter visiting her sick father or a woman attending her sister in law’s ceremony.  So think it over and answer because as I told you, our relationship is not in the hands of God. It can break”.
I was not loud or rude, but I had a fire burning in me and I was fierce at the moment. Good for us, he got the hint that there was a huge volcano brewing in my heart and it was not safe to provoke it to come out. It all ended well with me leaving immediately to visit my dad and be there with him while the ceremonies went on well without me.  This is only few of those lucky moments when I have been diplomatic and calm. My usual self is more fierce and attacking kind.

Some more side dishes to go with the main course…

I had fiery spat with a father of a married woman once. His daughter was married to a person who was a only son of his parents. According to the Indian culture, she had live with her in-laws. It was tough times for their family, as the son was not doing well financially. The girl’s father while lamenting over the misfortune of his daughter complained to me that parents should never marry their daughters in home where there are parents- in law. That was something very tough to digest even with a hajmola. So asked this person who himself had a son of marriageable age, “So are you going to drink poison and kill yourself when your son gets married?” Shocked he blurted “What?” I replied bitterly, “If all people think like you then your son will never get married until you are alive”. That must have sent the message because I never heard his complaints again.

When I was going through cancer, a close relative once said, mockingly, “Hey! Look, you have lost all your hair”. It was funny to imagine that I did not know that. My answer was “I haven’t lost humanity yet”.

Someone found it amusing to make fun of my club foot and said, “You have crooked foot”, I replied, “But it doesn’t lead me on crooked path, the path that makes people stoop low and make fun of disabilities”

A remark regarding my special needs child, “Why did God give you this child?” I replied to this question honestly, “Because he knows I can love a child unselfishly, without expecting anything from the child in future, not making comparisons, and because I have patience to deal with my child. God gave her to me, because he knew she cannot make people like you happy”.

This post is a part of Contest on Indiblogger by KFC Fiery Grilled. 


  1. that was an usual wonderful post :)
    good luck again :)

  2. You seem to write only for contests and winning prizes. Your greed is making me respect you less and less with each passing day.

    Write your heart out just for the sake of venting out someday. That feels good too.

  3. Winning is everything, but second place sucks.
    When you compete in the world against others and try to win, it is not greed. All want to prove their worth in their respected field. If you say winning few blogging contests is greed than what about few great champions who never stop - Sachin, Lata ? to name just few.
    I started blogging and writing much before contests. I have 200 posts to my credit. I know what feels good and what should I do, I have seen enough of life.

  4. Farida - It is hard not to lose one's temper when people ask silly and nagging questions. You have handled them well and shown tact and grace.

  5. First line is a winner;) And, a truly remarkable post....

    All the best dear:)

  6. Thank you everyone.. I never can mince my words. Main bane of my life.

  7. I know you've been through a lot but you should stop using it as bait. Your daughter seems to be a lovely child, but you mention her special needs way too many times than they should be.

  8. That was n interesting post Farila.Do you think being fiery is a good asset?It was when you were diplomatic that you convinced your hubs.I m sure you are not fiery all the time.

  9. I know Indu.. but our nature cannot be changed. I am kind of fiery most of the time, it works in my favor or against me, but that me without make-up.

  10. Anonymous- I don't use what I have been through as a bait. Did you not see the labels I have on my blog? My blog is about my cancer, kids and relationships. Just because there is contest, I cannot change my blog. Judges give my post the attention they need because I write from my heart and it reaches to people. No one is going to give me points for having been through much.
    Having a special needs child or a child makes them a part of our life; as my blog is about my life it is going to be about what I have been through.
    If you feel you are right in what you are saying you would not be anonymous. It is the shame of your act that makes you hide your name. Join the discussion on Indiblogger forum where I have opened this topic you mentioned, talk like a Man/Woman without hiding.

  11. You'd rather lose somebody's respect than the contest. There, you said it yourself.
    Anyways, I'm not a bad person, I respected you and your life a lot. But off late these contests are all that I see on your page.
    I don't like the fact that a person who I thought of so highly is so materialistic.
    That's it.
    Love to Rayyan and Farheena :)
    Take care :)
    I shall not bother anymore and may you win many more contests to come :)

  12. You need to earn respect yourself if you have to give it to someone. Do you have it? I wouldn't lose a contest to win your respect for sure. SNORT! Why would I do that?
    Accepted you are not a bad person. Just a bit immature.
    I am sorry that you got to see a lot of contests posts on my page- blame the platforms hosting the contests. I usually write just one post for one topic, the recent contest has something which suits me. I am a fierce person with lots of incidents matching the topic in my life, so I had tough time choosing one ;).
    What you like and do not like is solely your problem. Do you expect me to change for you? or change because you think I am materialistic? How many days will a contest win sustain us?
    Thank you for all those good wishes.. contests come and go. I may win or not but I know I have it in me to compete and lose with a heart. Like DS said, I may lose contests but not my dignity by being anonymous hater of winner.

  13. If it bothers Mr. Hankypants so much, give him a cake and call it a day!!!

  14. Some youngling try to make a mark in the world and being upset because it is not succeeding. I have some sympathy to spare for such people.

  15. Good post as usual Farida ji...
    You come across as a very fiery character! It takes a lot of courage to do what u did.
    All the very Best :)

  16. It took a lot of love to do what I did. I feel, I loved and respected my parents more than others in my life.

  17. beautiful post.... love reading the stuff you write....


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