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| Winners and Losers |
Friday, June 17, 2011
Winners and losers.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Rest in Peace Paula Gerding

Rest in Peace Paula Gerding …
Easier said than done! Paula who is known to her dear cancer survivor sisters as Pee is a person who is not going to rest in peace easily because she is always busy with one or other agenda. She picks up a project out of nowhere and works on it until the target is reached. Now that she has easy access to God’s ear and has angels standing around her, I am sure she is going on take up few projects and start working on them immediately. One of them could be finding a cure for breast cancer. I know how much she hated cancer and how fiercely she fought the demon before finally falling down like a Spartan warrior.
If not for cancer, we would have never known each other. The connection between us was that we both had walked the path of breast cancer and could understand the fears, sadness and will to survive the disease brought with it. Though we had nothing in common, we bonded so well over internet and then personally too. We enjoyed our tiny brick fights to the annoyance of some people, and Paula said that meant we were true sisters.
My mind has been thinking over the time I spent with my dear friend. Even though there is pain in losing her, I cannot help but smile when I think about her. I am sharing here a Paula episode that took place when we were on Yahoo Web Cam Chat.
Once we were on yahoo chat with the webcam running in the morning a Friday morning. The children were asleep as they both had their school off and so I and Paula burnt our keyboards discussing God, faith, Cancer, bringing up kids, husbands and finally landed with weather. I told Paula that it was raining cows and elephants out there with the onset of monsoon. Naturally Paula looked out through her window and let out a weird sounding cry.
Pee : Oh my God! How did this happen?
Me: What happened? Pee, please answer me.
Pee: I am going to die
Me: Why? Is there someone lurking out there? For Chris sakes call 911 please. What? Where are you going? Don’t try anything yourself Pee. He could be stronger than you. Hey! Come back.
By then she had left the computer and rushed out. She was hysteric! That is the biggest understatement of my life. I panicked wondering what was happening when I saw her on web cam again all scared and panicked.
Pee: I just saw my cats out there near the window. They had got out through an opening and now I cannot find them.
Being an Indian I did not understand how pet cats were treated in USA. We had pet cats who went out, fought with dogs, stole milk from neighbors but came back home when they wanted to sleep choosing the exact place where we were about to sit.
Me: Why do you have to find your cats? Cats are experts in finding their way back home even from unknown places. If they have gone out they will come back.
She squealed and ran out again. She was on and off computer. I tried to calm her down but every effort went in vain. I tried my best to explain to her that cats are very smart animals. They can take care of themselves and they will sure walk in when they are hungry. Paula was very upset to even listen to me but she did not want me to log off because she was scared to deal with the situation alone.
She kept looking around and typing. I cannot recall the exact sentences because they came in torrents and were not in proper order. The message they conveyed is remembered though. “You don’t understand anything. My poor cats do not know how to defend themselves. The cruel car drivers enjoy crushing cats under their wheels. Don’t ask me why they would do it because I don’t know why but they try to catch cats under their wheels. You may not have seen raccoons. Are there raccoons in Byndoor? We have raccoons here who love eating cats. There are many poisonous snakes out there too. Debbo can tell you about the snakes in my garden. They may get them … OH GOD! What shall I do now?”
The messages she typed appeared to create some kind of conspiracy against her cats by someone unknown. All of a sudden she picked up a flash light and rushed out. She was calling out for them, waking up the entire neighborhood (yeah! She can be loud) and frightening the cats so that they hid themselves somewhere in the bushes.
She came back on computer after sometime crying. She complained I was typing blurred words and she could not read them properly. I did not try to explain to her that it was her tears which made the words blurr because she would never accept it. All of a sudden she decided to call up her daughter Kirsten. Kirsten was driving and she panicked too. Now Paula was worried about the cats and her daughter who had panicked and I was not to log off the computer because she was scared to be alone.
I sat there trying to say something but being stopped by the words “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND”.
I may not be recalling the exact order of the events but this is how it went
Paula went hysteric all over again after trying to calm herself
She sobbed
Said a prayer
Went to potty
Sobbed
Prayed
Called Kirsten again
Went to potty
Prayed calling up on Mary to keep her cats safe
Ran out with a flash light
Sobbed
Prayed
Got angry with me for not understanding they were in danger
Sobbed
Threatened to get herself killed if anything happened to her cats.
Sob sobs sobs and more sobs.
All of a sudden she was gone. She was not on net.
I was very much worried. I logged on to the cancer support board to see if she had posted something about the lost cats there. But she was missing from the boards and there was no mail from her either. It was now my turn to get hysteric and pace around … looking at the computer and watching out for her come on. I decided to call her up. But an inner voice told me “Hey! Don’t panic. She is going to show up soon. Don’t panic. Cool down .. coooool down”. After sometime I couldn’t take it anymore. The funny thing was that exactly when Paula logged in, I logged out and grabbed the phone from the shelf. In a hurry I pulled along a jar of oil too. It came down crushing my toes and spreading out glass pieces in every possible corner you could imagine. It was tough getting rid of the oil from the floor due to the glass pieces and I had to do it quickly as my brother’s kids cannot be stopped for long. As usual Rayyan (my son) helped me gain my composure, come out of the panic mode and also cleaned up the mess. Then he logged on to the net and went to check Paula aunt’s message and there we had the message flashing at us
“THEY JUST WALKED BACK IN”
“I had lost my connection by pulling a wire out of my computer”.
HAH!!!!
I know Paula, it is useless telling you to rest in peace. I will miss you dear friend.

Sunday, June 5, 2011
Save a life..... Suicide is a cry for help.
A uniquely human act, suicide occurs in all cultures. People who attempt or complete suicide usually suffer from extreme emotional pain and distress and feel unable to cope with their problems. They are likely to suffer from mental illness, particularly severe depression, and to feel hopeless about the future.
Activity: Started on 2nd Oct 2002, SAHAI is Bangalore's telephone helpline for people in emotional distress. Our dedicated, trained volunteer counsellors are available to answer your calls between 10.00 a.m. & 6.00 p.m., from Monday through to Saturday.
All calls are confidential and privacy is assured.
Whether it is facing problems with your family, in school, at work or with your friends,Sahai Counsellors will give you their undivided attention and will guide you. And, when you're ready, SAHAI will help you find a long-term solution to your problems, through telephone counselling.Sahai volunteers will help and equip you with the skills,needed to cope with distressing situations of life like loss, failure, broken relationships or the ever-increasing demands of today's fast-paced life.
SAHAI volunteers are homemakers, professionals and college students - people from all walks of life who are committed to saving lives. SAHAI volunteers undergo 30 hours of suicide prevention training conducted by professionals from NIMHANS and the Medico Pastoral Association, along with Rotary Bangalore East, three of the help line's founding partners.
Volunteers are trained to help each caller ventilate, to respond without judging, and to guide the caller to address their problem. Volunteers learn how to listen pro-actively, and to recognize and assess signs of stress and depression.
Details: Indias first suicide prevention helpline we are pioneers in telephone counselling in Bangalore.
Support: Suicide prevention and emotional distress telephone helpline.
Note: Public awareness, more volunteers and funds to raise awareness.
This post is a part of BlogAdda's Bloggers Social Responsibility (BSR) initiative. I am exercising my BSR. You can too with three simple steps. Visit http://www.blogadda.com/bsr/ and support the NGO's.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
15 years and counting... Wow!
15 years ago when I walked in to the hospital to be operated upon for the removal of breast cancer tumor, I never imagined I will be blogging about it after 15 years. I did not know computers, I did not know blog and had not much hope of surviving this terrible disease back then. Monday, May 23, 2011
What Does Real Beauty Mean? A Reflection.
When a woman goes through breast cancer and fights it, the result is usually devastating. 15 years ago, fighting cancer I felt the loss of my feminine beauty. It left me emotionally and physically scarred with the loss of one breast and effects of chemotherapy which had left me with spotted skin, weight gain and a bald head. As a child learning to speak, I always called women as people with long hair. It hurt to lose something which initially I associated with femininity.
beauty. We see the pictures of beautiful women like Marilyn Monroe, Madhubala, or somebody with good features and exclaim, “Wow! What a beauty?” We respond in a different way to real people. Though at first the appearance may strike us, it takes more than just physical features to win appreciation. Again the physical beauty can vary from place to place and culture to culture. Beauty is in the eye of beholder. So if we are not talking about photographs, then beauty which is skin deep does not matter much. True beauty would beam out from the light in the eyes, a natural smile on the lips, good health, glowing skin and attitude with which a person carries him/herself regardless of age, body proportions, colour or race.
Mothers find all their children beautiful. This is special beauty which is opposite of the sexual love at first sight beauty. We find all babies very beautiful which is the opposite of the sensual beauty of youth.Monday, May 16, 2011
Why my blog has been neglected?
I haven't been much on my blog nor on any others from past few months. First I went through very bad phase of fractures on my feet. There were three of them and I was pissed off to sit down and do some good thinking to share with my blog friends.Followed by it my husband came down from Sharjah and was here for 3 1/2 months which again was not good for making of the blogs.
Finally it was for a good cause of preparing the students for the exams, correcting papers and finally preparing for my own exams and executing them. Going back to my studies which is my true passion has meant a lot to me. Thanks to my son who encouraged me take up studies, I feel so glad and happy about myself at the moment.

I will soon be back to writing and reading blogs because I have nothing much to do now. ;)
Monday, May 9, 2011
Being different……………

What is it that we want? To be one of the crowd or unique? I have never been sure of this. At times people want to be special and look different but sometimes it becomes very irritating to be different. I have been different in many ways and though initially I have been very unhappy about it later I have accepted it. I consider God had some special lessons for me to learn. I am not sure why he chose me. The lessons I learn have been tough and worth learning though it is not an easy task.

I was born with a club foot. That made me different from other kids. I was conscious about this and was not very comfortable. Later on I learnt that a human being is not made up of just two feet. One feet being deformed is not so devastating. I was happy I could walk and did not mind the limp. Later on with some effort from my part and some help from God; training from our PT sir, the limp went away. I started being happy that I am able to walk without a limp even with my club foot. Hurrrahhhh!!!
Days passed by and God sent me another assignment. It was to lose my freedom. Not just a small part of my freedom but all of it. No one invaded and captured me but it was a cultural thing to get married. Tough lesson for a young woman who considered her freedom and privacy some thing very precious. He decided I should have no more privacy and no more freedom. I was tricked into that assignment with a lot of emotional blackmailing and threats. I went along with that. I had to stop being what I was. Act silly though I was not silly. Bend in prostrations for a prayer because some one calling himself my better half thought his life depended on me being like any other woman from his house and village. Wear clothes in a way which made me uncomfortable. Not to read, eat, walk in the way I liked but to follow some pattern. I have just been through it but I think I lost the moral which I was supposed to learn from it. (Sorry God. I had to let you down there.) I still do not understand the motive behind that class I had to attend because I am yet to finish that course. Looking out and searching for freedom and yearning for a life of my own. I am of the opinion that My life is supposed to be lived by me wholly and not partially. I can’t give away a part of it to someone just like that.
Later in my life I learnt another lesson. I had to lose one of my breasts to cancer and that made me feel conscious again of my physicality. With some whole hearted contribution from my husband (who lost his touch in acting the better half part) I started to feel like an incomplete woman. I regretted surrendering one of my breasts to BC. It took me quite sometime to realize that I was not a woman just because of the two breasts. I agree I looked pretty with two of them but then just looking pretty is not a big deal. There is so much more in me which gives me the feminine touch. It was the compassion, emotionality, love, motherhood etc which was engraved inside me that made me the woman I am. God made me learn the lesson and respect myself and feel like a complete woman all over again.
After these lessons of life............
NO MORE DO I FEEL I AM DIFFERENT FROM ANYONE BUT NOW I FEEL THAT OTHERS ARE DIFFERENT FROM ME
……………they lack the special vision to see the important qualities of a human being.
The biggest challenge in my life has been my daughter who was born with special needs. I never asked the usual “Why me?” for long because soon I had the answer. God had trust in me that I am good enough to love and bring up a special kid like my daughter. This has been one tough struggle for me. I cannot comprehend God’s reason behind teaching me this lesson but I know he is teaching and everyday I am learning what he wants me to learn. I must confess that I do not know my grades. The new lessons when they arrive make me feel I may have completed my previous assignment successfully.
Initially it was tough to accept that my baby will never be able to see, walk, talk, run and live like everyone else. The question that stood before me was “what is the aim of her survival? What is she going to do as a woman? Slowly and steadily God answered my questions. I am so much more accepting and loving person now just because of my daughter. She is successful in changing me into a better person with every passing day. She has made me reach out to people and look deep into every individual. She gave me courage, strength and fighting spirit. She was one of the reasons why I fought cancer desperately to win my life back. She gave me motivation for living.
I learnt acceptance of life…. In many ways.
One of the most important lesson was when I found out that with all the knowledge stacked in my brain and with all my abilities, when I die, I will be corpse. I have to die. There is no escape from death. We all have to be there. When life is sniffed out we are not even addressed by our names. We become bodies. No matter who we are and what we have. So I end up a corpse someday. From the day I was born and until I die I have some time to spend living in this world where I will achieve, learn few skills, take a bath, cook food, do some good, some bad and eventually death will catch up with me. I look at my daughter and then see that eventually she will end up a corpse. Like anyone else. She has days to live between her birth and death. In those days there are things she cannot do which many can. That includes the good and bad ones too. When I hear about murders, terrorist attacks, rapes, drug peddling and other evils I know my kid is not capable of something like that along with the disability of not being able to run, talk, cook, wash etc. Is that very bad equation? I am not sure. I see her getting up in the morning not worrying about anything which is to be done even in the evening that day. She is living the now most of the time. Never thinks about putting up appearances for the sake of others. No peer pressure. No money problems. She makes me realize that most of my worries are created by me. They are my creations because I think of tomorrow, day after it, even years after it at times. She can be happy because it is raining, it is warm, it is cold and just because it is some weather out there. I have watched her struggle to draw a square and the elation on succeeding at drawing it imperfectly. That makes me wonder why some people worry about that one percent less which would have been much better.
Lessons are pouring in everyday in hoards. It is changing me and I know I am learning. God has not completed the lesson now because I cannot see anything new on my desk at the moment. No new assignment It means I am still learning my lesson and I somehow feel this class is going to be very long one for me…...
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Spare the rod and save your children

This is something I have always believed in.
Sharing with you the news I came across on net today.
THE UNICEF has called upon countries across the world to take steps to ensure that parents do not resort to physical violence in order to discipline their children.
Mail Today - 14 Mar, 2011

