Sunday, November 29, 2009

PAIN!!!! Dealing with not so good emotions.....

My mother was shocked to hear this and gave me a disgusted look and asked.. “Oh my God! This is not over yet?

“I want to know who my real parents are”

“We are your real parents”

“Then why should things you do for me must be considered as a sacrifice? I can see even the monkeys take care of their kids without bragging much about it”

“So you feel we are not even as good as animals to you?”

Now this is the place where I get stuck. I knew that was not what I meant. But also I did not know how to put it properly. I wanted them to know that I wanted them to treat me equally. I do not like when they do not serve on the first come first served basis. I am very particular that I should be not late. So without much vocabulary to say what I wanted to say I just blurted out

“You think you are better than the monkeys? Have you not seen them loving their kids? No one has ever loved me like a monkey has loved its kid. I wish I was a monkey baby”

That set my Mother weeping and wailing out few things like

“This child is really very difficult to handle. I love my kids so much. I get into all sorts of trouble just to give them good life. What do I get to hear in the end? This is the reward for all my hard work? How will I ever manage this girl?”

My grandmother who had been praying all that time with the beads.. came out angrily.

She felt I am torturing her daughter.

“My daughter has sacrificed all her life for your father and his kids. She works from morning till night. Never eats good food. Never wears good clothes. She provides everything nice for you and suffers so much. I should have never married her to your father in the first place. Do you know she sold all her gold to get your foot treated in Bangalore? She used to travel all the way from Byndoor to Bangalore to put your foot under plaster so that you could walk properly. You have only brought poverty and misery to your mother. It is your bad luck that your leg did not heal and you still limp. My poor child even left her place and shifted to Bangalore so that you could get proper treatment. We should have thrown you in the dump like your father said….hmmmpppppfffrrr.”

That was very hurting for me. I was hurt and angry. I still wonder why people say such painful things to small kids. Do they really deserve to be abused so emotionally? I somehow could not allow someone to talk in such a way and get away with it. I know there is truth in what my Grandmother says but she should not have said that in the way she told me.

Again I have always thought that my father loved me dearly. It was very shocking to know that he told them to throw me away. So I first wanted to clear that matter.

My mother had stopped weeping and was trying to calm down her mother now who was now furious and looked ready to attack me any moment. I was very angry with my grandmother and did not wish to talk to her anymore. So I asked my mother whether it was true that my father had really said that.

“He very badly wanted the second child to be a boy. When he heard the second child was a girl he was upset and more so when they told him you had a twisted right foot. He said that in a fit of anger something like … ‘then why don’t you dump that kid?”

“Did my daddy say that?”

“It was before he saw you dear. When he saw you he was so happy to see the fair chubby girl that he would not put you down”

“But he told to throw me away. I will him ask about it later when he gets back home. Anyway it would have been so nice if you had thrown me away and some monkeys would have carried me. I at least would not have to deal with grandmothers there. I see the grandmothers of monkeys die before the young ones are born. I have a feeling that no one should give birth to kids until the grandmothers are dead and shut in grave”.

My grandmother was a very superstitious person and hated any reference to her death and grave. She always avoided hearing them out. That was something I did on purpose. To hurt her because she had wounded me very badly and there was no way I was allowing her to get away with this. But what followed my outburst was not even expected by me. My grandma gave a very wild shriek, something which I was hearing for the first time ever and then just fell backwards to the floor. She started beating on her chest and then started beating up the floor with her hands and legs. I was scared stiff inside but put on a brave careless attitude outside. She started cursing me and sobbing and then suddenly she changed. She was taking the part of a very angry woman. Sitting there on the floor she ordered my Mom to make me say ‘ Tauba Tauba, Allah forgive me for what I have said and may my grandmother live long’. My Mother angrily turned towards me and ordered me to say it. Now, I still have no clue what made her think I would say those words. I will rather be killed before saying them and she knew I was always a stubborn child. Yet she asked me and I just turned away. She held me and shook me and said “Say it. Just to please your grandmother”.

“ Who says I want to please anyone in this house?”

“What have I done to deserve this child?”

“May be something very bad. Now find that out and ask forgiveness of God so that he will forgive you and take me away”.

“Oh! Darling, you are my princess, my sweetest child. For mommy’s sake please ask Grandma to forgive you and end this”.

“I am not going back ever on anything I say and I mean and wish that grandma’s were dead before grandkids are born or at least my grandma was dead before I was born”.

Now my grandmother started such a commotion and later seemed to have a fit. Our neighbors rushed in to see what was happening and when they enquired my grandma pointed to me. They gave me nasty, curious and all sort of different looks which had me terribly embarrassed. I will never know what they concluded. I was too shy to stand there so I went away into a room and locked myself up. I was all alone now and could cry without anyone knowing it. But I did not cry. I did not want to cry and feel weak inside myself. So I tried to forget what happened and concentrated on my reading and actually I could forget everything after sometime and went on reading an interesting book.

I decided never to touch anything from that topic again until someone else provoked it and no one has done that until now. I am waiting for my dad to say something which will prod me ask why he decided to throw me away. Though I never talk about it I do feel the events of that day most of the time. They hang around me most of the time like mist of the cold mornings. There were lots of emotions in me which I could not name. It changed me a lot. I have never been able to be a careless, funny, naughty child again after that particular day. And I will never stop hating my grandma for what she said to me. May be later much later I will forgive her someday.

Where it started


  1. Farila, i 'm so sad to hear that.
    These issues with our parents are so delicate and always will haunt us.
    I think it would be better for you not touching anything, and i'm sure your father loves you very much.
    Much love and
    hugs hugs

  2. Oh, Farila, that made me feel so sad! I agree with Betty that somethings are best left unsaid, especially when young children are around.
    Things said in anger are not meant to be. You have grown into a fine, good woman with two beautiful children. But words sting, and memories are long.
    Gosh, I have tears rolling down my face! I hope and pray that you find peace, for that is what Families are all about.
    Big Hugs.

  3. Thanks Betty and Alice. I went to counselling after going through cancer (I was emotional wreck then - things happened fast. Losing my sister, ,my daughter being diagnosed with Atrophy in her brain etc and finally my own cancer) and had many of the issues resolved then. But still I wanted to blurt it all out and throw the traces of toxic lingering in me. That is the reason why I am blogging about this.
    My dad sure loved me a lot and I grew up to be one of his most trusted child. But back then the pain was terrible. Hope some people will read this and understand that they have to be careful with their children.

  4. Indian folks are conservative and even more so the grand folks, it is tough growing up between 2 worlds - the old mindsets and the new one that we are drawn into through education, friends and media. I can relate to where you came from and coming from. Hope life improves for you after all the hardships.

  5. Farila,
    things said in anger, and feeling unloved, especially from a child that is loved, is hard on all.
    I could not help but have empathy for you while reading this post.

  6. Thanks BM and Bob for understanding my childhood trauma. Nothing is totally bad in this world. The events of the past have helped me have more understanding with children and my children have never even once felt that I do not love them. Never have they felt discriminated by me.. and above all most of the children love me a lot. So finally it was worth the trouble ;)

  7. you have handled the emotions of child so delicately and so brilliantly... neither too dramatic nor too rude... its just so real...very touching write... and brilliantly written

  8. you really were a tough child to handle.....always full of questions which your family tried to answer but never gave the you the answer you were looking for.....may be lying or telling the truth.......

    doesn't matter if the question asked was write or wrong but it really takes a lot of courage or anger to pop it out in front of your parents.......

    i really wouldn't like to judge....especially when i don't know wat was happening on the other side .......

    but really was it that bad that you have to come up with a question like that.....????

    i have not heard a stories of someone's childhood being like this.......other than one guy who told he was sexually abused by his own family......but that was like the extreme case.........

    your childhood must have been really tough.....

  9. My God! What an emotional disturbance and outpour!!! I certainly do understand...It must've been so very painful to just shake and change you (as u stated)! What we say in anger many-a-times are something we don't really mean...but once the stone is thrown it can ne'er be taken back....


  10. Joining u in ur journey... following u:)

  11. Before heading to your vehicle dealer, always remember that they are going to you must do everything to persuade you Payday Loans No Credit Check it's impossible to argue using the reasoning in the 97-page consultants report that sets out the much-needed changes for the processes that provide away city and county taxes.

  12. The concept of pay day loans is that an individual
    can buy much-needed cash deposited instantly into her or his bank account that can enter repayment on her or his next payday payday loans lenders only us senate panel:
    high-risk loans brought down wa - mu.


Your Opinion Matters....


Rayyan Lost in Laptop

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...