Fun and adventures in Byndoor....

Hmmmmm. Let me tell you something light now. That was quite heavy on me too. My childhood was not horrible one. I had good loving parents and was given good food, education etc which was a luxury for a girl child in India. It was simple thing that grown up people did not understand my emotions and were ignorant of the fact that they were hurting me. My parents had no clue how to deal with a child who had club foot and also they never accepted this fact. My childhood had its own funny incidents and one of them is my first visit to our native village. After my first two years in school during the summer vacation my family decided to spend few months in our native village Byndoor. It is small village on sea coast and is very different from where we live. There we stayed at my mother’s place. Though my father’s house was also nearby we rarely went there. The food, the air, the smell, the people .. everything was so different. I went wild over there because I was allowed to go anywhere I wanted and play however I wanted in Byndoor. Women from muslim community always wore Burkha when they ventured out and covered their faces in front of males. They had the pallau over their head always. As we were living in this section of society I found it very interesting that women were shy to show their faces.

Most of kids were not much educated. No one could speak English and that made me feel superior there.

I loved exploring the backyards, the old attics with all sort of things stored there. I also found some colorful beads which they say were used to decorate the bed during weddings earlier but has been stopped now. They were lots and lots of them and in all the colors I have ever seen in my life. I claimed possession to it even before my sister could open her mouth and got yes from my family. I spent a lot of time sorting them out and playing with them. I am not sure why everyone looked sad when I announced that I am done with them.

The village was full of gossips, treasures to be hunted, adventures etc. I went in search of crows nest because some one mentioned they store a stick made of gold in them. Lots of time was spent following crows and to see which nest it would get into. But the crows would only sit on the ledges or trees and I could never find a nest. In evenings they disappeared without trace. I was always looking for treasures in Byndoor and made up wonderful tales to get my sister involved with me. We both gave food to crows and tried to befriend them so that they would lead us to their nests.

One fine afternoon we fell down from the position of hunters and became the hunted when I and my sister had a narrow escape from a temple owned bull.

( Note from me: India is a country where people worship many animals and these animals are considered sacred. Monkeys eat a large amount of food and in the process lay to waste a lot of it. People can starve here but not the monkeys. People always have food for them even when they are chasing away an old man or woman or ignoring an orphan. Peacocks are sacred. Elephants are worshipped and offered coconuts on one hand where as on the other hand they are killed for ivory and made to work hard. Snakes annually kill 50,000 people in India but even they are worshipped. Cow worship is a matter of controversy here always and they have been lots of riots taking place regarding this. As for me I love animals and would never hurt any animal in my life. Even the cockroaches. But when it comes to worshipping them I say sorry as I consider myself superior to them.).

As per the custom of the place people would not bother the bull who would be roaming the streets. They would offer him food. It was believed that if the bull ate food from ones house then they would prosper. So people were always feeding it and it had grown very big and strong with a little mountain kind of hump on its back. We both had been to market to buy some vegetables and there we bought some sugarcane. When we were walking back home we saw the bull staring at us… and then it slowly started pawing the earth. I was quite scared and you too would be if you saw the look in its eyes and it s enormity.

All of sudden it started rushing towards us and we had to run. I was surprised that I overtook my sister in running. We both did not stop nor turned back to look but we knew the bull was running behind because we could hear its hooves hitting the road like hammer on nails. I saw a narrow gate into the garden which would allow us to pass through and entered it and my sister followed. We went little further inside and stood there to see whether the bull was chasing us. The bull ran up to the gate and hit hard against the walls of the compound trying to get it. Thank God it was so fat that not even its head with those huge horns could get in the narrow passage which was made to prevent cattle from eating the plants in the compound. These narrow passages are seen in many places in Byndoor. We finally realized we were safe. Though horrifying it was also a very funny experience for both of us. Later on we calculated that it must have been tempted by the sugarcanes we were carrying. For few days we did not venture out and I am not sure why by the end of three days everyone in my family was down with headaches other than me and my sister.

Few pictures of Byndoor...

Innocent owner of a crazy Rooster....

Innocent of owner of a crazy rooster…

I have to confess that I am stealing this title from Mike… I had to do it because that is the only apt title for this blog. I love cats a lot and had my share of pets when I lived in Bangalore. But when I had to shift to a village home in Byndoor I had to give up my idea of having pet kitties. Our home is often invaded by rough and tough stray cats and the pets would never be safe here. Our house is old type Indian home which has lots of opening near the roofs through which the cats enter our attic ( yeah yeah I need a better home with running water bwahhh!!). This was supposed to be a temporary arrangement for us but some family feuds on my husbands side has got us stuck here for past 8 years.

I found a new kind of love for chickens over here.

First I had one hen which was bought by my husband for getting some fresh eggs. I used to feed her and gradually started to see that hens are so much smarter then we actually know and they need our love like dogs and cats…. I decided to allow the hen to breed and it was a success. Another hen wanted to join her and she did so. The mother hen tried to push her out but in vain. So there were two hens now taking care of the eggs in turn. They adapted to the task and shared the work to my amazement. The hens knew exactly everything about bringing the chicks into this world and they did it. We were a happy family watching the chicks until we found one could not walk. It was very weak and was struggling to get under its mothers wings.

Rayyan picked him up and slowly pushed him under his mothers wing and it stayed there. After two days the hens decided to take the chicks for a small day out trip and sadly the small one could not follow.

In the world of the fittest survives it was left behind and again Rayyan was to its rescue carrying him and taking him everywhere the chicks went. After a week it was as strong as the others and slowly because of extra love and care shown to it, it grew to be strongest alpha chick of the brood. Though its early days were spent like an outsider.

YwR

The chick in creamily white is the one I am talking about. When the chick was four months old we got to know he was a fine golden colored rooster… he grew up to be one of the finest rooster we have ever seen.

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My hens are not the interior types and they are left to roam free in my backyard. If I keep them confined for the fear of dogs they stop eating and get weak. This rooster would go far away from home but would rush back (if he was in the hearing distance) whenever I called him to have his lunch. He would enter my house and bedroom and sit beside Rayyan if he was sleeping waiting for his quota of special food. He was a huge bird but very friendly and you have to believe me that not once had he pooped inside the house. Our area had few other roosters but he set a rule that they should not crow. If ever he heard a rooster crow he would rush there and silence him. Once in a while he would bring a strange hen to hour home and ask me to feed her. It was very funny the way he stood there and watched them eat the food without touching any of it. One day somebody from the neighborhood complained that our rooster had tried to attack their kid. I told them the child must have troubled it, because this bird has been moving in and out of our house never attacking anyone. Few kids from my neighborhood do trouble the animals and they must have troubled him and he being a strong big bird he had defended himself. Another day one of Rayyan’s friend ran to catch hold of it and when Rayyan turned around he saw the boy was running with the rooster chasing him. It was a funny sight. Few months after that my brother’s son who was visiting us tried pulling its tail and the rooster attacked his face leaving a gash on his face. My sister in law was very upset and told me to cut and eat the rooster because he had wild behavior but again I told her that he would not have done that if he was left alone. I love my nephew a lot but I could not punish this rooster because I know if I had a tail I would not like it to be pulled for fun. There were few more complaints from the people that the rooster was not safe and I could not believe it. One day I heard screams of a boy and rushed out to see that the rooster was standing there quietly and this boy was shivering in fear. “Hey! Why are you so scared?” I asked him and he said my rooster had attacked him. The rooster stood there innocently pecking the ground for food. “Don’t lie. He is not even bothered about you” I sounded accusing and the boy swore that the rooster had suddenly changed his behavior when he heard my footsteps. I laughed out loud. Imagine a fowl attacking a kid and then pretending as though nothing has happened when I came out. But complaints kept pouring in steadily and finally I got to see that the rooster actually attacked a kid and changed into ‘I am Mr. Innocent’ when he saw me. Amazing. He was a mild bird, sitting on my sons bed, never pooping inside the house and moving out of way if Farheena was walking and to think he attacked kids behind my back was very tough on me. I pleaded guilty and said sorry to anyone who was hurt. I knew this would not last and I had to give up the rooster because if I confined him he would not survive. He could fly quite high and so no walls were boundaries for him. Finally as a last straw my neighbors kid was attacked quite badly with bit of wounds to show and they were very angry. So with a heavy heart I gave him to a woman who raised fowls for living. She said he kept brooding and never ate food which she gave him. When she left him free he would climb up trees and never come down. I again pleaded with her to take care of him for few more days until I could find solution for him and paid her handsomely for the help.. The last I heard she had sold him to some unknown person for a hefty sum. Now she is avoiding me but I don’t even try to get in touch with her because I know she does not know the person she has sold him to. We all think of him very often and miss him a lot. I go through the guilt of hanging on to him for sometime even after seeing he attacked a kid. It was very tough giving him away but there comes a time in our lives where our minds have to rule our heart. This was one of such moment where my mind overtook my heart. When I talk about pet chicks no one understands that they are actually my pet animals who come over to be petted and understand what is being said to them. They jump around happily when they see me.They have their own attitudes and personalities. People breed them just for flesh and eggs and never try to bond with them… Wish they knew what they are missing.

PAIN!!!! Dealing with not so good emotions.....

My mother was shocked to hear this and gave me a disgusted look and asked.. “Oh my God! This is not over yet?”

“I want to know who my real parents are”

“We are your real parents”

“Then why should things you do for me must be considered as a sacrifice? I can see even the monkeys take care of their kids without bragging much about it”

“So you feel we are not even as good as animals to you?”

Now this is the place where I get stuck. I knew that was not what I meant. But also I did not know how to put it properly. I wanted them to know that I wanted them to treat me equally. I do not like when they do not serve on the first come first served basis. I am very particular that I should be not late. So without much vocabulary to say what I wanted to say I just blurted out

“You think you are better than the monkeys? Have you not seen them loving their kids? No one has ever loved me like a monkey has loved its kid. I wish I was a monkey baby”

That set my Mother weeping and wailing out few things like

“This child is really very difficult to handle. I love my kids so much. I get into all sorts of trouble just to give them good life. What do I get to hear in the end? This is the reward for all my hard work? How will I ever manage this girl?”

My grandmother who had been praying all that time with the beads.. came out angrily.

She felt I am torturing her daughter.

“My daughter has sacrificed all her life for your father and his kids. She works from morning till night. Never eats good food. Never wears good clothes. She provides everything nice for you and suffers so much. I should have never married her to your father in the first place. Do you know she sold all her gold to get your foot treated in Bangalore? She used to travel all the way from Byndoor to Bangalore to put your foot under plaster so that you could walk properly. You have only brought poverty and misery to your mother. It is your bad luck that your leg did not heal and you still limp. My poor child even left her place and shifted to Bangalore so that you could get proper treatment. We should have thrown you in the dump like your father said….hmmmpppppfffrrr.”

That was very hurting for me. I was hurt and angry. I still wonder why people say such painful things to small kids. Do they really deserve to be abused so emotionally? I somehow could not allow someone to talk in such a way and get away with it. I know there is truth in what my Grandmother says but she should not have said that in the way she told me.

Again I have always thought that my father loved me dearly. It was very shocking to know that he told them to throw me away. So I first wanted to clear that matter.

My mother had stopped weeping and was trying to calm down her mother now who was now furious and looked ready to attack me any moment. I was very angry with my grandmother and did not wish to talk to her anymore. So I asked my mother whether it was true that my father had really said that.

“He very badly wanted the second child to be a boy. When he heard the second child was a girl he was upset and more so when they told him you had a twisted right foot. He said that in a fit of anger something like … ‘then why don’t you dump that kid?”

“Did my daddy say that?”

“It was before he saw you dear. When he saw you he was so happy to see the fair chubby girl that he would not put you down”

“But he told to throw me away. I will him ask about it later when he gets back home. Anyway it would have been so nice if you had thrown me away and some monkeys would have carried me. I at least would not have to deal with grandmothers there. I see the grandmothers of monkeys die before the young ones are born. I have a feeling that no one should give birth to kids until the grandmothers are dead and shut in grave”.

My grandmother was a very superstitious person and hated any reference to her death and grave. She always avoided hearing them out. That was something I did on purpose. To hurt her because she had wounded me very badly and there was no way I was allowing her to get away with this. But what followed my outburst was not even expected by me. My grandma gave a very wild shriek, something which I was hearing for the first time ever and then just fell backwards to the floor. She started beating on her chest and then started beating up the floor with her hands and legs. I was scared stiff inside but put on a brave careless attitude outside. She started cursing me and sobbing and then suddenly she changed. She was taking the part of a very angry woman. Sitting there on the floor she ordered my Mom to make me say ‘ Tauba Tauba, Allah forgive me for what I have said and may my grandmother live long’. My Mother angrily turned towards me and ordered me to say it. Now, I still have no clue what made her think I would say those words. I will rather be killed before saying them and she knew I was always a stubborn child. Yet she asked me and I just turned away. She held me and shook me and said “Say it. Just to please your grandmother”.

“ Who says I want to please anyone in this house?”

“What have I done to deserve this child?”

“May be something very bad. Now find that out and ask forgiveness of God so that he will forgive you and take me away”.

“Oh! Darling, you are my princess, my sweetest child. For mommy’s sake please ask Grandma to forgive you and end this”.

“I am not going back ever on anything I say and I mean and wish that grandma’s were dead before grandkids are born or at least my grandma was dead before I was born”.

Now my grandmother started such a commotion and later seemed to have a fit. Our neighbors rushed in to see what was happening and when they enquired my grandma pointed to me. They gave me nasty, curious and all sort of different looks which had me terribly embarrassed. I will never know what they concluded. I was too shy to stand there so I went away into a room and locked myself up. I was all alone now and could cry without anyone knowing it. But I did not cry. I did not want to cry and feel weak inside myself. So I tried to forget what happened and concentrated on my reading and actually I could forget everything after sometime and went on reading an interesting book.

I decided never to touch anything from that topic again until someone else provoked it and no one has done that until now. I am waiting for my dad to say something which will prod me ask why he decided to throw me away. Though I never talk about it I do feel the events of that day most of the time. They hang around me most of the time like mist of the cold mornings. There were lots of emotions in me which I could not name. It changed me a lot. I have never been able to be a careless, funny, naughty child again after that particular day. And I will never stop hating my grandma for what she said to me. May be later much later I will forgive her someday.

Where it started

Thank you Betty for the award.. but as recently I have just given out the awards I am not linking this award to anyone. Friends check out Betty M ... She will take you on amazing tours. Wonderful pics which will please your eyes and make your mouth water ;).

Click on the pic below to check out on
CUT AND DRY

Awards time!... Got this from Alice and now to give it to 10 others.

First let me thank Alice who is an amazing blogger with immense talent for creative writing. Now, Awards usually come with conditions, but Alice did this a little bit different because some people find it hard to talk about themselves... so Alice being Alice, known for changing things around, she threw the floor open, so that now you can ask me anything about myself!

Now make this good, because you'll not get another chance! Or may be you will. I sort of love to talk about myself....

Gloria... for connecting so well with me within a short period. I know I will miss her when she is away.

Jeff .. who is wonderful person

Michael Kaser who has wonderful stories to thrill

Debbie who is a survivor and fighter

Rae who writes amazing and thought provoking blogs

Kamat who is from my own state

Being me - getting to know her and her blogs better with every visit

Not so glamorous housewife who I found recently on blogspot. Very interesting. ;)

Just me - Wonderful poetry and blogs can be found here.

and finally a very dear blogger who posts make my day most of the time

Bob.

Whew!! finally got to do it today.....

Frustrations of confusions ......

“What is that you want to say but don’t?”

“I try to convey my irritation to my family. I don’t know how to express myself. All I want to say is I feel discriminated by them. But it will only lead to a torrent of all the things they have provided for me and all the things I have in my life that I should be thankful. God is never happy with ungrateful children who ignore his blessings is one their usual quote. Usually they discard my feelings and say that I am just stupid to talk in this manner. Most of the time they feel I have no reason to feel unhappy. That leads to anger and then I start throwing tantrums. I can’t help it. I can’t handle it in any other way. When I am throwing a tantrum at I get to talk out loud whatever I want for sometime and that helps ease the frustration building up in me in some way.

One bad day I just wouldn’t stop with a simple tantrum and all of a sudden a thought came over in my mind that may be I was not their kid. I asked my mom whether I was her child or not and she said “Now who ever has heard anything sillier than this?”. I was sort of very irritated that particular day and went on asking whether I was their child or not. All this started with a breakfast of chapatti. I was very angry because my mother gave the first chapatti to my sister though I was there waiting for it in the first place. I got up earlier, got myself ready for school on my own when she was getting ready yet with all the fuss and help from my grandma. I hate being late to school. Because of my mother I have to run all the way to the bus stop at times. I find it so difficult to run with the school bag. My leg troubles me. My mother doesn’t understand this. I can’t say that my leg troubles me. I never say that. I feel as though I will be confessing to being inferior if I ever do that.

Now ‘that question’ they all said was very bad and my grandmother said I was very ungrateful bad girl. I do not understand why a child is considered bad if they just express any doubt that comes into their mind. I sort of can’t speak what is coming in my mind without being scolded for being bad. So I don’t talk much to the people who do not understand me. I just learnt to use water colors to paint and our physical trainer who is an wonderful artist is guiding me. I did quite few good paintings. I stood first in drawing competitions and many other events last year”.

“You are a lucky girl”

“I am not lucky. I am very hard working”

“OK. Do you want to tell me few things that have been hurting you? You remember a small incident there about a chapatti and you asking a question. It must have had something more behind it for you to mention it now”

Yes. My grandmother gave me big list of things that my mother and others have done for me. She says there has been a lot of a sacrifice done for my sake from my family. I was getting late to school and so I left fuming with anger without eating my breakfast. I could not concentrate properly in my class. My anger was almost burning me and I must have behaved very odd in my class. My teacher who always found me intently listening to every word she said must have got worried and I was sent away to the hospital nearby with another teacher to get my temperature checked .. ha ha ha.

I do not understand what got the teacher so much worried though. I have been upset earlier too but never has that been visible. I tried my best to concentrate on the notes the teacher was writing down on the board and could not wait to get back home as soon as possible so that I could bring the matter up and get few things set in their place.

I could not wait for the bus and so almost ran all the 5 km home which did not ease my frustration even a bit. I was totally sweating and tired by the time I reached home. I gulped down a glass of water and started the question again…

“OK come out with the truth. Where did you bring me from? I do not seem to be your own child”

Veil with holes..........

Veil With Holes

This veil, this robe, as dark as coal

Alas! It badly fails to achieve the intended goal

This skin covering is just playing foul

For I need a veil to cover my soul

I fear not m y flesh and skin of doing sin

As I fear the passions that rage within

Within my heart, within my soul

On whom I fail to put a veil or gain any control.

Anyway, even I draw a veil over my face

To hide those feelings which would cause me disgrace

My awakened conscience asks me, “Is this right?”

But resigns calling me a hypocrite

I can’t help it for there many ifs and buts

And to not be a hypocrite I don’t have enough guts…………

By: Farida Rizwan

Confusions, insecurity, doubts etc....

“So you finally got what you went looking for. You must be happy now”

“I should be, but I am not happy. At school the teachers encourage me and also in the P.T. sessions my Physical trainer is very encouraging and kind to me. He involves me in every sport. No one dares to tease me when he is around. He forgives me when I don’t wear black shoes. So I am very happy in my school. My teachers are very good to me. But back home every one appreciates me. But I am not sure the appreciation is for me. It could well be for my achievement. And that makes me feel insecure. What if I can’t perform well? Then, will I be mistreated by them?”

“Don’t you feel that the teachers too love you because you are good in studies? Everybody has something special about them and being intelligent is that specialty in you. Do you think they would hate your sister if she would become ugly some day?”

“I think my teachers love me because I am good at studies and also never miss to do homework even for once. I keep my books very neat and clean and also I write very neatly in them. They appreciate my work openly which makes me so happy and proud. But then they are supposed to love me just for that. But my parents are supposed to love me because I am their own child. They have to love me for what even others would hate me for. But they have failed in their job. But that is OK. Though I earned their love, I have it for now. That makes me happy. I have been very busy with my books and reading a lot of stories. I don’t like fairy tales though. They are so out of the world. I read them because they are mentioned very often and I don’t want to be ignorant of them. I read news paper and narrate the incidents to my family. I don’t know why but all of a sudden I seem to have lost interest in talking to people. No one shows interest in listening to me. I do write out my experiences but then I just throw them away because I don’t want to be a laughing stock.”

The school Era begins....

Now Mr.Right did a great favor to me and I started trying to walk with better gait to impress him. It was painful and tough but I knew I could do it.
No one ever knew what made my gait improve so much and how all of sudden I was walking so well. Everyday I spent a lot of time concentrating on my gait and walking a lot.
This led to the next major development of my life- SCHOOL. Finally my mom and dad had enough confidence in me to send me to school.
I was quite big girl in my class because my Mom and Dad waited for sometime before sending me to school. They wanted to be sure I can walk the distance required to reach school on my own.. Our school had divisions like pre-nursery, LKG and UKG before we started the first grade. I was to sit in pre-nursery where we had kids three years younger to me. Soon the teachers saw that I could memorize rhymes quickly and asked me to learn alphabets and numerals in classroom. I picked up the alphabets and numerals very fast because I had been practicing reading and writing at home. So they promoted me from pre-nursery to LKG and then from LKG to UKG in few months. Soon I came to 1st standard where I had classmates of my age. Still the portions appeared very easy for me. I had learned to read Kannada much better than my sister who was 3 ½ years elder to me. I enjoyed reading and learning because it was so easy.
Now I expected them to promote me as soon as I could finish my lessons for the class. And I did finish my lessons in few months but the promotion did not come along, I started pestering my sister that she should take me along with her to her class because I could read her books. I wanted to be with her in 4th std. So the teachers and my sister had very tough time handling me for some months. I would just sneak out of my class when the teacher was engaged with something and enter my sister’s class and occupy some empty place. I wonder at times why they just sent me back when they found out without any harsh punishments for me. After some time I realized this wasn’t going work out. So I settled down in 1st standard. My sister had so much difficulty picking up kannada language. So I wanted to prove at home that I could do better than her and what was the best way other than to learn the language well. And it was quite easy too. As I began to parrot out tables and read my lessons, I became the centre of attraction. In the beginning no one noticed what I was studying because I think no one expected someone as naughty as me to be studious. They attributed my promotion to sympathy because of my handicap. They would talk about it in front of me thinking I was a just a kid and would not understand anything. But I understood every word they said and began to dislike them. But later on they realized I was good in studies and suddenly I became a favorite with my dad. I am his most loved child now. He presented me with a watch for standing first in final exams of 2nd std.”

Faith of a special Girl....

My daughter is always scared of sudden sounds like that of crackers, bursting balloons etc. She was not terrified of it earlier but just scared until a kid played pranks on her and took her from the stage of scared to terrified. It is a terrible sight to watch her jump up, cringe low and shake all over with fear on the sound of bursting crackers. I am trying to make her understand everyday that sounds do not hurt you ( yeah yeah .. I am lying a bit) and it is ok. On 4^th of July we were at my friends Judy’s where I finally put my foot down and got her to watch the fireworks in Philadelphia. The sights took her breath away and she enjoyed them shaking all over …. Crying and laughing at the same time. But after coming back to India during the Diwali season she did suffer a lot.

Few days ago we had lots of thunders and lightings which made me and Rayyan jump out of our skins. The noise was loud and it looked like the earth is shaking….I was working in kitchen and forgot about my daughter who was sitting down doing some paintings in her book. My son rushed in and asked me how is Farheena doing with all this sounds. That made me rush into the room only to find her calmly doing her painting as though nothing was happening around her. My first thought was may be she has gone deaf due to the loud sounds, second thought was that she has been shocked into silence. So I went near and found she is all right doing away her drawing. I asked her how come the sounds were not bothering her today? And she said- THIS IS COMING FROM GOD AND I KNOW HE WILL NOT HARM ME. IT IS PEOPLE HERE WHO SCARE ME. I was shocked into silence by what she had to say… wish I had such faith. My kids have been my teachers in many ways and I will learn a lot more from them….