Wednesday, July 10, 2019

100 Rays Of Son - 59

Absence Of Ego?

Once during our counselling course, our mentor had asked us to describe ourselves with labels. Even after 20 years, I remember the list and on top was the word, egoistic. I was quite sure back then that my ego ruled a lot of my decisions, and even to this day most of them are ruled by this one trait in me. It kind of blinds me at times.
Recently, when I finished writing about Rayyan’s project of flags for his school, I was discussing with him that how lucky he is; because so far he has never wrongly been accused of anything. Since, I help all the students around me with their projects, it was natural for teachers to assume that I may be the one who helped him do the project, but no one has ever doubted him. Usually, children lose interest in the work because they are not appreciated for their efforts and because of this kind of wrong accusations.
 I had once made a very good wall poster of Amoeba for my class when I was in grade V. The teacher asked me who did the drawing of the Amoeba. I told her, I did it myself but she did not believe me. I was very upset and then dragged my mom to school to confirm it with her. Even after the issue was resolved, I still had lingering anger in me for few months. I also recalled many other children who were in same situation, but Rayyan had not been in it ever. I was kind of feeling a bit jealous as well of Rayyan because he escaped this accusations.  
Rayyan told me, “It doesn’t make a difference even if they do. What is the difference?” I was kind of confused and shocked, because that was the whole issue isn’t it? What was the purpose of doing something if we are not recognised or appreciated for our efforts? I looked at Rayyan doubtfully, and he looked very sure of what he said. “What if they did not give you the prize for the project because they thought I did it?” I want him to understand what I mean so I continue. “What is the big deal that I got the prize? If not me, someone else will be happy”.  I went on to explain to him with few examples, how when a parent or others accuse children who score good marks of copying what they feel, or how when someone says, “I don’t think you did it on your own, someone must have helped you” how it hurts children so that he will realize how lucky he is. I was upset that he was appreciating that he is not realizing he is lucky to escape this. But, Rayyan again insisted, that since he knows the truth it doesn’t make a difference. In fact, he would be proud that his achievement has been so great that others are having trouble believing he did it on his own. That was an indication of how good his work has been. I was feeling completely out of place in the level of thinking he had. This was something I could not understand at all. How could someone accusing you wrongly, not affect you. I mean, I feel affected even when our politicians are wrongly accused of something they did not do.
I walked out of Rayyan’s room, but he stayed in my mind. What was it that made him think this way? Slowly as I realized that Rayyan doesn’t has ego. He doesn’t want to prove that he is right to anyone. I have never seen him argue about anything because he doesn’t feel the need to prove what he is saying/doing/thinking is right. He is calm when someone calls him names, curses him or blames him because he feels that it is their right to have their opinion and it is not his duty to change it. On the other hand, he doesn’t want to prove someone is wrong. He may mention it, but if someone cannot see what he is saying, he will let it go without taking it upon himself to prove they are wrong. So often, he does that to me as well. “Maa, what you are doing is not for someone like you. It is not for your level of understanding or intelligence. I feel that way”. There it ends, and I cannot pull him into an argument to prove I am right in doing what I am doing, or to explain my reason why I am doing it. He usually ends it by saying, “I told you what I felt, if you feel otherwise, you can take your call”. Somehow, this has allowed me to introspect the situation without bias and come to a good conclusion. I am sure that if he had argued, I would never have seen the situation from an unbiased standpoint, because of my enthusiasm to prove myself right.
Rayyan’s behaviour stems from the complete absence of ego I think. He has never considered himself superior nor inferior to anyone. Animals, insects and all living beings have same amount of respect from him and he feels the world belongs to them as much it belongs to us humans. There is so much peace in him due to this one particular trait where he doesn’t feel he belongs to a superior nation, race, religion, gender, species or anything for that matter. This understanding of being just a spec in the large universe removes anger, resentment and frustration in a person. In a week I realize that indeed Rayyan is lucky but not for the reason I thought earlier, but because he has been able to find a kind of peace which is elusive to most of us. I also see due to my communication with Rayyan, I have changed as well in the past two decades and being egoistic is not the way I would describe myself, though I may never be where Rayyan is ever in my life.

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