100 Rays Of Son - 61

The Liberation 

“Rayyan, I want to discuss something serious with you”, I announced one day. I was struggling between the different roles I played and wanted a break.

My husband had placed a condition with my mom before our marriage that I would not study further and would not pursue any profession if I married him. Every time I tried to do something, he would say that I was cheating him and was breaking the promise my mother made to him. This kept me bound to the promise and I would just work from home or coach students with their academic performance. During my cancer experience, I did my diploma in counselling skills, but then again there was so much of fights when he came back. In fact, all my marks cards and certificates were torn and burned up one day when I was away from home. No one will ever understand how it made me feel. My dad had treasured all the marks cards since I entered school because I was a topper and he was very proud of me. At this stage though, no one took a stand to support me, accused me of breaking a promise and advised that I should not do it, including my dad. Finally, after my struggle to build up a career and life after cancer; I was back to square one where I was bound to certain rules, promises and walls without bricks.

After being married, there was no period in my life when I had smooth sailing. I was always on a see-saw about staying or breaking free from marriage. Farheena was born, and then cancer happened immediately which left me insecure. Along with this I had seen three of my family members suffer from cancer as well and all that made me compromise on a lot of things. No matter how strong we are, life can test our strength.

Finally, after an issue which flared beyond proportion, I decided I really wanted a divorce and wanted to be free. No matter what challenges would come my way, I was ready to face it. I had always thought that since their father was in Gulf, children always had luxury of the gulf finance, which I may not be able to afford when I would work taking care of Farheena. This was one of the biggest reason for me giving in, over and over again. Since, Farheena was unable to call the shots in such matters, I decided to make Rayyan the scapegoat and take consent from him, so that if I couldn’t afford anything nice to them, I would tell him that he had given his consent. You see how the chain forms and continues, right?

“What is it maa? What is that you want me to give you an opinion about?”  Rayyan asked. “I am going to leave your dad and start life on my own. You may have to compromise on your lifestyle and will be missing all the imported goods from gulf. Is that OK with you?”

“I don’t have control over what you do with your life. It is your choice”

“But both you and Farheena will be affected, is that OK?”

“You should ask whether you are OK with what is happening to you as well. As much as you are responsible for us, you are responsible for yourself as well. You cannot act like a link between father and children; that should be an independent relationship, right? How can it be like he will take care of us if you listen to his conditions and not care for us when you don’t?”

It was very clear that I was not going to get a scapegoat that easily. Those thoughts were very profound for me ponder over when I was boiling in anger. I keep scratching my head to come up something as a bait, when Rayyan asked me, “BTW why are taking this decision?”

“Because I want to be independent” I went on to explain to him about the promise and how I am bound by it. So far everyone in my family, including those who wished my well-being and loved me have said, I should stand by my word and I expected the same from Rayyan. Instead, I got a question, “And what was the consequence for breaking the promise?” I am completely dumbfounded by the question. This was something that I have never thought. “What do you mean by that?” I ask as though I am a very stupid person talking to some old wise man and I realize this youngster in front of me is indeed the wise old man.

“Nobody can promise something for a lifetime. Life is unpredictable and things which you did not foresee will happen. You did not expect cancer, right? Did you expect a child with special needs? Did your marriage go the way you expected? With everything if you hold on to a promise and become bitter, no one around you will be happy. You can give only what you have. If you are not happy, how can you make others happy?”

“You want me to break my promise or rather the promise my mom made?”

“I am not saying that. Let me explain. In school you have punishment for not doing homework.  If you steal or break law there is punishment. If you kill someone you bear the consequences. For every commitment you make there should be a continuation, right? If you break the promise ………………….this will be the consequence. Also there will be conditions when you can break a rule or law. Like you can attack in self-defence. So, I am asking about that. The simple thing for you do is to evaluate the results and make a choice”.

May be it is difficult for others to believe, but I could sense the walls around me slowly breaking down. It was a liberating moment for me and I have never been the same person ever again.

Why was I foolishly holding on to a promise I made? Why did I never question what will I get by standing by this silly promise? When I went through cancer and struggled with life, how did this particular promise help me? What will happen now if I break the promise? I did not know the answer. There was actually no answer.

We are what our thoughts are. With the change in my thoughts, I turned out to be a different person all together. Soon my thoughts were focused on what I should do with my life. First I wanted to continue my education. I wanted to be financially independent. I was not going to hold on to the promise and waste the one life I had. I was ready to bear the consequences whatever they were.

If I look back from where I am today, it made no difference to me at all. Farheena, on the other hand has had better life emotionally and materialistically after my decision to break out of the prison. BTW, I was wrong about needing a scapegoat, because life has been good and there are no regrets.