Wednesday, July 17, 2019

100 Rays Of Son - 66

Married But Not A Wife
Three years ago, I was fretting and fuming around our home. Rayyan, who was calmly watching me, finally gave in and asked, “Maa what is wrong? Is something bothering you?”
“I tried so hard for divorce, but it did not work out for me Rayyan. Somehow, the legal system is so flawed. No one thinks that our freedom from marriage is something important and they ask for a good reason for me to go divorce. I feel very upset with this. Why can’t a woman get a divorce just because she wants it? This is so stupid?” I vent out all my frustration at one go.
“Do you think it is more stupid than marriage itself?” Rayyan jokes but then seriously asks me, “Why do you want divorce?”
“Because I want to be free and live as I wish”
“And…… you cannot do it now? Is there anything else that is driving you towards divorce? Like you want to find a better life partner, want to get some money, or any similar reason?”
For the first time I am forced to think why I want a divorce from a different perspective. I am already calm and my brain is fully functional now, because I want to win at least this one debate with Rayyan, though he usually just passes his comment or gives his views and never takes anything as a debate. Every time I have ended up losing the so called debate with him on every topic and ended up winning something in the end which is much better than winning the debate.
“I am actually willing to give everything away to my husband if he is willing to give me divorce. No, I don’t have anyone else in my life for time being. It is just that I want to move away from the marriage, but unfortunately I am not sure why my husband is not agreeing for it”.
“Why he is not agreeing for divorce is shocking for me as well”…… Rayyan jokes but then quickly ducks the heavy book thrown at him. Though he looked as though he was making a casual comment what he said after that was profound. “Maa, why do you need a divorce to be free? Actually isn’t it that people do things they usually do not want to do, lose their freedom or bring up that silly thing called compromise or sacrifice to save marriage? Why would you lose your freedom to get divorce?”
Again comes the stage where I am confused. My whole concept of life is in muddle and I feel I had made some mistake in understanding what I am doing.
“Can you explain a bit more to me?”
“You say you do not seek anything from the divorce but just wish to live your life your way, right? Why don’t you do it without the divorce? You have to behave according to the rules of the husband to save a marriage, not to divorce him. It is as simple as that. Now you blame him for not divorcing you, but then have you given him enough reasons to make that decision? I have seen you all hyped about this divorce thing for some years and always thought finally you will understand it, but you pursued it like any other video game where you just want to win for no reason”.
“So, you mean to say that I shouldn’t pursue it?”
“I feel you cannot be a husband or wife just because you are married. Divorce is not on papers but it happens in relationships. As for someone as tough as you, who can force you to be a wife? You have made that mental barrier and you are not breaking it yourself. You can stop being married any time you want and live your life the way you want it as well. If your husband is upset, he will divorce you, right?”
“What if he shouts, creates a scene or fights with me?”
“Everything is opposed in the beginning. When people realize that it is not working they stop doing it. Rather than yearning for divorce, I feel you should learn to handle such situations, which may crop up even when you seek divorce”.
Within an hour, I had unlearned and learned a new way of living my life. My friend/lawyer had said something similar to me earlier but in different words which did not make sense to me back then. She had questioned me as well, “If you do not want alimony or any other benefits, why are you seeking divorce? Why can’t you just ignore him and live your life your way?” I had argued with her and tried to tell her that it can never happen that way. How can we ignore a person living with us under the same roof? Also there is issue of Farheena in between and how his presence affects her life.
Somehow, hearing what Rayyan was saying, reminded me of what she had said and it connected together. I could actually stop being a wife without a divorce paper in my hand if I wanted to. It took some time for such a thought to register in my mind. It is not easy for any of us to move away from the doctrines ingrained in us, but I wanted to give it a try.
Slowly, life started changing. Today, I am a very complicated person. I am married but yet I am not a wife. I would still feel happy if I can get that paper legally in my hand. Rayyan rightly said that it is like a virtual game which I could not complete, but the freedom is fully earned at present. This was the second part of the liberation which completed the process.

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Never imagined this child would grow up to be so wise 
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Feeding common sense to mom

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